Yesterday was the second group run for my church's marathon training and can I just say, OWWW!!! I have never been a runner, my furthest distance has been just over a mile. But for some crazy reason God's like "You know what, you're going to run a half marathon this year!" So now I'm learning how to run. Anyway, this group run ended the second week of training and overall I've been feeling like I've been doing alright. On my run days I'm doing intervals of 2 minutes running to 1 minute walking and repeating that over and over until I hit the time limit, which on Saturday was 35 minutes, the longest yet.
For most of my runs so far I've had no problem getting started and just doing it. But yesterday, for some reason, as soon as I started I wanted to stop. I told my running buddy and she pushed me through it, but throughout the entire run I felt like I was dying and couldn't wait for my phone to tell me it was time to walk again. I had a tough time regulating my breathing and figured I was going to land one of my slowest mile times yet (which at this time all averaged around 12 minutes 30 seconds). As my phone alerted me that I had completed the first mile I fearfully waited to hear my mile time until I heard "11 minutes and 40 seconds"! I thought my phone was broken, there was no way that I had broken the 12 minute barrier! And even if I had, I was probably going to get a slower time for the second mile. I kept going.
A painful while later my phone dinged again signaling the second mile. My time? 11 minutes and 30 seconds! I was shocked! I couldn't believe that on a run where I was feeling so bad that I was recording my best times so far. For the first time I hoped that I'd finish with an average time under 12 minutes. My friend caught up with me (after lapping me) and she went the rest of the way with me, encouraging me the whole time. I pushed myself through. Finally I finished the run with just over 3 miles and an average time of 11 minutes and 45 seconds!! Personal record! Who knew?
As I drove up to Michigan State to visit my brother I reflected on the morning's run and brought it to God. Why, when I felt like I was doing my worst running, did I ended up doing my best? And God told me, "Sometimes the biggest blessings come out of the toughest situations". A reminder of trust, a reminder not to be afraid of difficulties, a reminder to have faith that God was in control of all circumstances. That message was a blessing in and of itself.
So today I encourage you, if you're going through a really tough situation, bring it before God and trust Him with it. He will turn your difficulty into a blessing, He is in control. And because He loves you He's going to show you by coming through for you and blessing you beyond belief!
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6
Sunday, April 26, 2015
Thursday, April 9, 2015
Walking Away from the Relationship I Wanted Most for a Deeper Relationship with the God I Needed Most
Have you ever been sitting in a classroom or trying to learn how to do something at work and you experience that lightbulb moment? That moment when everything becomes clear and makes sense? Have you ever been in the same situation and wished that the lightbulb would just turn on already? I just experienced a lightbulb moment to a question I had been asking ever since I called off my engagement.
Leading up to the end of my previous relationship I would experience a lot of anxiety, mostly over whether or not this was the relationship that God wanted me to be in and if this was the person God wanted me to marry. Nearing the end of July 2014 I prayed to God again about this question, feeling the stress of needing to book a wedding venue and nearing the cusp of true wedding planning. The anxiety had become too much to take, and I needed a definitive answer. God finally answered! I have never audibly heard God's voice, but this was the closest I have ever come, and I heard "You're not equally yoked". In that moment it was like the door to that relationship was closed and locked before I could even protest. For the first time I felt at peace. Then sadness overwhelmed me as I realized what I had to do. I didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to. It was one of the hardest things I ever did and I did not do it perfectly, but with God's help we got through the break up as gracefully as we could (cue good old Kelly).
In the months that followed God began to heal my heart and bring me into a relationship with Him that I never knew I could have! I fell in love with Jesus in a way I never had before! And God blessed me with an amazing church and community that I needed. He inspired my heart to create music, art, and writing! He taught me to pray and hear His voice! He showed me that He was the only thing I truly needed! And yet, there was a question I would wonder over and over again, "Why did God allow this relationship to happen?" I didn't get it. I truly wanted to save my heart for my husband. I wanted to remain pure for him. The only reason I had given some of myself away was because I thought I'd found my husband. Why didn't God protect me? What was the point of that relationship? My mother would remind me that I needed to be in that relationship to know what I truly wanted and needed. My friends encouraged me that without it I wouldn't have learned to put God first and I wouldn't have learned to rely on Him like I did. And all of these were true, but yet they didn't fully answer my question. Eventually I just moved on trusting that God had His reasons and that I didn't need to know them.
Then today I was praying over a new situation with a man who seemed interesting but I didn't want to find myself going down the same path I'd been down before. He had a lot of qualities that I'm looking for, but something still didn't seem right. I knew that no matter what I'd need an answer from God before moving in any direction, so I asked for His thoughts on this particular man. His answer blew me away as He not only answered that question, but He also gave an answer about why I had been engaged before. And it came in the form of a blog post written by Natasha Metzler entitled The Man I (Almost) Married. In reading about her experience (which was similar to mine), she wrote "One of the hardest lessons is how to listen to God when your emotions are involved." God had used the experience to teach me an important lesson, one my very emotional self needed to learn! And yet there was more! She also wrote of coming to a place of being thankful for the relationships God had put her in because He used them to teach her and refine her, making her into who she was. They were experiences she needed to have. And I finally came to a place where I was thankful for the relationship I'd had! I wouldn't be where I am today without it, and I wouldn't know the God I know today without it!
As I considered leaving a comment, I scrolled through to see what others had written in response. One woman asked Natasha about why she broke up with the man she truly almost married. She wrote back saying that after prayer she realized that she was trying to force God's hand, and that if she went through with it she would be creating an Ishmael. This struck me so hard because, like Sarah and Abraham, God has made me a promise that He said He would fulfill! I have had moments where I've waited well, and moments where I haven't waited well for the the husband and family that He promised me in February. Abraham and Sarah had similar experiences with waiting, and in a time where they didn't wait well Sarah lost hope and gave her slave, Hagar, to Abraham to produce a son. She did, and the child's name was Ishmael. This child was a product human controlling rather than God's perfect plan. And Ishmael would be at odds with the son that God finally blessed to Abraham and Sarah, Isaac. Reading this and looking at my past and present made me realize that I have to let go of my controlling ways and trust God, otherwise I could also produce an "Ishmael". If I tried to force this recent situation to go my way, God showed me that I would have another Ishmael on my hands rather than the Isaac that God promised to me. I know God's way is the best, which is why I'm letting go of what I think is best. And as Natasha wrote, "I learned that even when something 'seems good', it doesn't mean it is what God has for you."
And so tonight I find myself praising God for ALL He has done. For my broken engagement, for my anxiety, for His trustworthiness, and for His promises! If you're struggling to understand something that happened in your past, maybe this will help. And I know there are some experiences that we will never be thankful for, I'm more talking about the situations where you had a say and you made a choice. Trust God's "No's", they're for your good! And He has something amazing to show you!
Leading up to the end of my previous relationship I would experience a lot of anxiety, mostly over whether or not this was the relationship that God wanted me to be in and if this was the person God wanted me to marry. Nearing the end of July 2014 I prayed to God again about this question, feeling the stress of needing to book a wedding venue and nearing the cusp of true wedding planning. The anxiety had become too much to take, and I needed a definitive answer. God finally answered! I have never audibly heard God's voice, but this was the closest I have ever come, and I heard "You're not equally yoked". In that moment it was like the door to that relationship was closed and locked before I could even protest. For the first time I felt at peace. Then sadness overwhelmed me as I realized what I had to do. I didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to. It was one of the hardest things I ever did and I did not do it perfectly, but with God's help we got through the break up as gracefully as we could (cue good old Kelly).
In the months that followed God began to heal my heart and bring me into a relationship with Him that I never knew I could have! I fell in love with Jesus in a way I never had before! And God blessed me with an amazing church and community that I needed. He inspired my heart to create music, art, and writing! He taught me to pray and hear His voice! He showed me that He was the only thing I truly needed! And yet, there was a question I would wonder over and over again, "Why did God allow this relationship to happen?" I didn't get it. I truly wanted to save my heart for my husband. I wanted to remain pure for him. The only reason I had given some of myself away was because I thought I'd found my husband. Why didn't God protect me? What was the point of that relationship? My mother would remind me that I needed to be in that relationship to know what I truly wanted and needed. My friends encouraged me that without it I wouldn't have learned to put God first and I wouldn't have learned to rely on Him like I did. And all of these were true, but yet they didn't fully answer my question. Eventually I just moved on trusting that God had His reasons and that I didn't need to know them.
Then today I was praying over a new situation with a man who seemed interesting but I didn't want to find myself going down the same path I'd been down before. He had a lot of qualities that I'm looking for, but something still didn't seem right. I knew that no matter what I'd need an answer from God before moving in any direction, so I asked for His thoughts on this particular man. His answer blew me away as He not only answered that question, but He also gave an answer about why I had been engaged before. And it came in the form of a blog post written by Natasha Metzler entitled The Man I (Almost) Married. In reading about her experience (which was similar to mine), she wrote "One of the hardest lessons is how to listen to God when your emotions are involved." God had used the experience to teach me an important lesson, one my very emotional self needed to learn! And yet there was more! She also wrote of coming to a place of being thankful for the relationships God had put her in because He used them to teach her and refine her, making her into who she was. They were experiences she needed to have. And I finally came to a place where I was thankful for the relationship I'd had! I wouldn't be where I am today without it, and I wouldn't know the God I know today without it!
As I considered leaving a comment, I scrolled through to see what others had written in response. One woman asked Natasha about why she broke up with the man she truly almost married. She wrote back saying that after prayer she realized that she was trying to force God's hand, and that if she went through with it she would be creating an Ishmael. This struck me so hard because, like Sarah and Abraham, God has made me a promise that He said He would fulfill! I have had moments where I've waited well, and moments where I haven't waited well for the the husband and family that He promised me in February. Abraham and Sarah had similar experiences with waiting, and in a time where they didn't wait well Sarah lost hope and gave her slave, Hagar, to Abraham to produce a son. She did, and the child's name was Ishmael. This child was a product human controlling rather than God's perfect plan. And Ishmael would be at odds with the son that God finally blessed to Abraham and Sarah, Isaac. Reading this and looking at my past and present made me realize that I have to let go of my controlling ways and trust God, otherwise I could also produce an "Ishmael". If I tried to force this recent situation to go my way, God showed me that I would have another Ishmael on my hands rather than the Isaac that God promised to me. I know God's way is the best, which is why I'm letting go of what I think is best. And as Natasha wrote, "I learned that even when something 'seems good', it doesn't mean it is what God has for you."
And so tonight I find myself praising God for ALL He has done. For my broken engagement, for my anxiety, for His trustworthiness, and for His promises! If you're struggling to understand something that happened in your past, maybe this will help. And I know there are some experiences that we will never be thankful for, I'm more talking about the situations where you had a say and you made a choice. Trust God's "No's", they're for your good! And He has something amazing to show you!
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