Stop Trying to Figure it Out

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." ~Proverbs 3:5
How many times have we all read this verse?  For many of us this is a favorite verse that reminds us to trust God no matter the circumstances.  I know I've looked to this verse many times to help me in times of trial.  However, I realized over the last few days how often we focus on the first part of this verse (Trust in the Lord with all your heart...) but forget the second part, "...and lean not on your own understanding."

Having grown up outside of the church I was taught to look at logic and reasoning to help me solve problems or understand solutions.  I've always enjoyed helping people figure out a solution to their problems and making predictions about what might happen next based off of patterns that I see whether it be in a story/movie or real life.  So when I came to know Jesus I took this with me.  Excited to see how the Lord would work I would try to figure out what His solutions would be before they happened and want to know why God was doing things the way He was doing them.  Each time I would do this I would notice that I would be filled with anxiety and emptiness.  That was when I realized the second part of this verse.  It's been in these moments that I go off of my own understanding because that's all I have, but I'm not supposed to be leaning on my own reasoning.  I'm not saying that we follow God with totally blind faith, but we ask for His understanding and realize that we're only meant to understand so much.  We're not God, we didn't create everything existence, so we're not going to get all of our questions answered.  This is faith, that we say to God, "I trust You to move" instead of saying "When You move I'll trust You".  Our faith shouldn't be conditional, just like our love shouldn't be conditional.

We also have to realize that when we go off of our understanding and make decisions based off of it that we're going to make a mess because we're humans, we're flawed!  If we really want to follow God and see all of the incredible blessings that He has for us then we need to follow Him and discern His understanding from our own so we can best follow Him.  Faith is trusting without fully understanding.  Joyce Meyer actually wrote in Battlefield of the Mind about abandoning our reasoning because it can distract us from God's voice and God's work in our lives.  If we're relying on our reasoning then we're not relying on God, and if we're not relying on God then we're not trusting God, and if we're not trusting God then often times we're not following Him.  So ask God for His understanding, wisdom, and discernment in your life and let go of your own so that you may follow Him with a much stronger faith!

"My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts and my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.  For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." Isaiah 55:8-9

Drop the Expectations

This weekend I had an amazing time at SMASH, my church's all-women's retreat, up at SpringHill camp!  I was able to spend time with some of my beloved sisters-in-Christ having fun, meeting new people, hearing amazing messages, and spending time with my Prince!  However, before I left I was in a spiritual funk.  Some things hadn't gone the way I thought it should or the way I thought God was leading and I was confused and struggling to connect with God.  I was also feeling trapped, like I had to move or I couldn't grow anymore, and I thought it was because a big change was coming.  What I didn't realize until the retreat was that my feeling trapped was being caused by expectations.  And let me be clear, these expectations were not put on me by God, and very few were placed on me by others.  The expectations trapping me were placed on me were bestowed by none other than myself.

My walk this past year has not been easy, and I've constantly had this feeling that I didn't fit in.  I felt that I should be married like my friends and thinking of starting a family, I felt that I should already have a better job and be living out of my parents house, and I felt that I should know my calling for the Kingdom.  Yet God doesn't feel it's best for me to have none of these yet.  And it would leave me in a state of confusion or a state of obsessive hope that something, anything, would move!  And when it didn't I felt like God had left me.  But I realized this weekend that this was far from the truth!  God was with me, but I couldn't hear His voice or feel His presence because I was too concerned with me and what I felt like God would want for me because I wanted it (I know this probably sounds confusing, but just roll with it).  I couldn't hear from God because I was too busy listening to myself and the world.  And sometimes it takes a change of location and scenery to truly understand that.  So finally I took all these expectations, confessed my sinful selfish thoughts, and peacefully accepted God's expectations for me, which were so much lighter!  He expects me to worship and glorify Him, to spend time with Him, to love others, and to share the light He gave me with others.  He expects me to accept His grace because of the cross, and to put Him first before all else in my life!  And you know what?  It's wonderful, it's peaceful, and it's joyful!  His expectations don't condemn, they love!  How wonderful!

So now I'm finally back to a state of peace where I rebuke unfair expectations that distract me from God's incredible love!  And now I'm free to dance with my Prince and accept whatever He brings me!  I'm not worried about when I'll get married or have children because He is enough for me, and I know that the season of life that I'm in right now is being used to prepare me for the seasons that are coming!  God is good all the time, and we can see it if we will get out of our own way!  So I challenge you to look at the expectations that either you or the world are putting on your shoulders and give them to the One who's expectations are much better!

Blessings Through the Tough Stuff

Yesterday was the second group run for my church's marathon training and can I just say, OWWW!!!  I have never been a runner, my furthest distance has been just over a mile.  But for some crazy reason God's like "You know what, you're going to run a half marathon this year!"  So now I'm learning how to run.  Anyway, this group run ended the second week of training and overall I've been feeling like I've been doing alright.  On my run days I'm doing intervals of 2 minutes running to 1 minute walking and repeating that over and over until I hit the time limit, which on Saturday was 35 minutes, the longest yet.

For most of my runs so far I've had no problem getting started and just doing it.  But yesterday, for some reason, as soon as I started I wanted to stop.  I told my running buddy and she pushed me through it, but throughout the entire run I felt like I was dying and couldn't wait for my phone to tell me it was time to walk again.  I had a tough time regulating my breathing and figured I was going to land one of my slowest mile times yet (which at this time all averaged around 12 minutes 30 seconds).  As my phone alerted me that I had completed the first mile I fearfully waited to hear my mile time until I heard "11 minutes and 40 seconds"!  I thought my phone was broken, there was no way that I had broken the 12 minute barrier!  And even if I had, I was probably going to get a slower time for the second mile.  I kept going.

A painful while later my phone dinged again signaling the second mile.  My time?  11 minutes and 30 seconds!  I was shocked!  I couldn't believe that on a run where I was feeling so bad that I was recording my best times so far.  For the first time I hoped that I'd finish with an average time under 12 minutes.  My friend caught up with me (after lapping me) and she went the rest of the way with me, encouraging me the whole time.  I pushed myself through.  Finally I finished the run with just over 3 miles and an average time of 11 minutes and 45 seconds!!  Personal record!  Who knew?

As I drove up to Michigan State to visit my brother I reflected on the morning's run and brought it to God.  Why, when I felt like I was doing my worst running, did I ended up doing my best?  And God told me, "Sometimes the biggest blessings come out of the toughest situations".  A reminder of trust, a reminder not to be afraid of difficulties, a reminder to have faith that God was in control of all circumstances.  That message was a blessing in and of itself.

So today I encourage you, if you're going through a really tough situation, bring it before God and trust Him with it.  He will turn your difficulty into a blessing, He is in control.  And because He loves you He's going to show you by coming through for you and blessing you beyond belief!

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, through prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." Philippians 4:6

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways submit to Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

Walking Away from the Relationship I Wanted Most for a Deeper Relationship with the God I Needed Most

Have you ever been sitting in a classroom or trying to learn how to do something at work and you experience that lightbulb moment?  That moment when everything becomes clear and makes sense?  Have you ever been in the same situation and wished that the lightbulb would just turn on already?  I just experienced a lightbulb moment to a question I had been asking ever since I called off my engagement.

Leading up to the end of my previous relationship I would experience a lot of anxiety, mostly over whether or not this was the relationship that God wanted me to be in and if this was the person God wanted me to marry.  Nearing the end of July 2014 I prayed to God again about this question, feeling the stress of needing to book a wedding venue and nearing the cusp of true wedding planning.  The anxiety had become too much to take, and I needed a definitive answer.  God finally answered!  I have never audibly heard God's voice, but this was the closest I have ever come, and I heard "You're not equally yoked".  In that moment it was like the door to that relationship was closed and locked before I could even protest.  For the first time I felt at peace.  Then sadness overwhelmed me as I realized what I had to do.  I didn't want to do it, but I knew I had to.  It was one of the hardest things I ever did and I did not do it perfectly, but with God's help we got through the break up as gracefully as we could (cue good old Kelly).

In the months that followed God began to heal my heart and bring me into a relationship with Him that I never knew I could have!  I fell in love with Jesus in a way I never had before!  And God blessed me with an amazing church and community that I needed.  He inspired my heart to create music, art, and writing!  He taught me to pray and hear His voice!  He showed me that He was the only thing I truly needed!  And yet, there was a question I would wonder over and over again, "Why did God allow this relationship to happen?"  I didn't get it.  I truly wanted to save my heart for my husband.  I wanted to remain pure for him.  The only reason I had given some of myself away was because I thought I'd found my husband.  Why didn't God protect me?  What was the point of that relationship?  My mother would remind me that I needed to be in that relationship to know what I truly wanted and needed.  My friends encouraged me that without it I wouldn't have learned to put God first and I wouldn't have learned to rely on Him like I did.  And all of these were true, but yet they didn't fully answer my question.  Eventually I just moved on trusting that God had His reasons and that I didn't need to know them.

Then today I was praying over a new situation with a man who seemed interesting but I didn't want to find myself going down the same path I'd been down before.  He had a lot of qualities that I'm looking for, but something still didn't seem right.  I knew that no matter what I'd need an answer from God before moving in any direction, so I asked for His thoughts on this particular man.  His answer blew me away as He not only answered that question, but He also gave an answer about why I had been engaged before.  And it came in the form of a blog post written by Natasha Metzler entitled The Man I (Almost) Married.  In reading about her experience (which was similar to mine), she wrote "One of the hardest lessons is how to listen to God when your emotions are involved."  God had used the experience to teach me an important lesson, one my very emotional self needed to learn!  And yet there was more!  She also wrote of coming to a place of being thankful for the relationships God had put her in because He used them to teach her and refine her, making her into who she was.  They were experiences she needed to have.  And I finally came to a place where I was thankful for the relationship I'd had!  I wouldn't be where I am today without it, and I wouldn't know the God I know today without it!

As I considered leaving a comment, I scrolled through to see what others had written in response.  One woman asked Natasha about why she broke up with the man she truly almost married.  She wrote back saying that after prayer she realized that she was trying to force God's hand, and that if she went through with it she would be creating an Ishmael.  This struck me so hard because, like Sarah and Abraham, God has made me a promise that He said He would fulfill!  I have had moments where I've waited well, and moments where I haven't waited well for the the husband and family that He promised me in February.  Abraham and Sarah had similar experiences with waiting, and in a time where they didn't wait well Sarah lost hope and gave her slave, Hagar, to Abraham to produce a son.  She did, and the child's name was Ishmael.  This child was a product human controlling rather than God's perfect plan.  And Ishmael would be at odds with the son that God finally blessed to Abraham and Sarah, Isaac.  Reading this and looking at my past and present made me realize that I have to let go of my controlling ways and trust God, otherwise I could also produce an "Ishmael".  If I tried to force this recent situation to go my way, God showed me that I would have another Ishmael on my hands rather than the Isaac that God promised to me.  I know God's way is the best, which is why I'm letting go of what I think is best.  And as Natasha wrote, "I learned that even when something 'seems good', it doesn't mean it is what God has for you."

And so tonight I find myself praising God for ALL He has done.  For my broken engagement, for my anxiety, for His trustworthiness, and for His promises!  If you're struggling to understand something that happened in your past, maybe this will help.  And I know there are some experiences that we will never be thankful for, I'm more talking about the situations where you had a say and you made a choice.  Trust God's "No's", they're for your good!  And He has something amazing to show you!

Painful Strengthening

I lay on the table as she gently pulled on my left arm and then stretched it over my head and out to the side, pushing it a little further... a little further...
I could feel the tightness, followed by the tinge of pain as my arm was pushed and stretched more and more.  Just when I thought my arm would break and the surgery would be rendered useless, she released and gently brought my arm back down.  This has been repeated numerous times, 3 days a week, as my left shoulder is worked to gradually regain mobility.

One day while going through this routine I realized that it was a physical representation to visualize what God was doing in my life!  Each week I was being spiritually stretched, required to abandon my thinking and break away from mental habits to focus instead on His Word.  He was stretching me, over and over again, each to the point of discomfort and pain.  Spiritual bones were being broken so they could be reset and healed.  Just when I thought God would take me over my breaking point He released and gently returned me to a place of peace, joy, and rest before He would repeat the process with a new "bone".  Each time I would find myself more spiritually stretched, mobile, flexible, and closer to the person and image He has intended for me.  Just a little closer...

This has been happening ever since after my surgery.  I realized it one day when I asked a friend for prayer and she said that she thought I was under a really bad spiritual attack.  I knew it was attack, but something didn't sit right with me about that conclusion.  It suddenly occurred to me that I wasn't being attacked, I was being taught.  At the time I was reading through Genesis the stories of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob and Esau, and Joseph.  The story of Joseph particularly stood out to me because of all of the difficulties he went through.  His brothers sold him into slavery, and then he was unjustly thrown in jail for 10+ years.  What he later realized, after he was released and saving the country of Egypt and many others from intense famine, was that God was preparing him for how he would use him, for the purpose He had intended for him.  So each of these battles, each bone that God is breaking and resetting, I know is preparing me for the purpose He has for me, and it fills me with hope!  As painful as it may be, I am happy to replace my flawed thinking and patterns with His!  Trust Him, He's the best Spiritual Therapist there is!

The Battle

I write this as an encouragement today to anybody who is battling lies about who they are, for anyone who is facing spiritual or earthly attack.  You are not alone, your Savior fights with and for you!  For His Word says, "Let us then approach God's throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need (Hebrews 4:16)."

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"You're too judgmental, mean, and prideful.  What could God do with you?  You're not understanding, courageous, or graceful.  You try to solve everyones' problems but it never helps and they don't want it anyways. You try to be a good enough Christian, you try to be perfect.  You'll never be what you want to be, you'll tear yourself apart, you are unworthy of God.  Why should anyone care about you?  How could you ever think you're anything, you're nothing, there's nothing special about you so why even strive to be better?"

He shoots his awful arrows tainted with lies, one after another.  Some knick layers of my skin and leave their mark, yet they fly far from my heart, missing widely.  One strikes my foot and I stumble, the lies threatening to knock me off my feet, but ultimately I stand again as another arrow sails past my head.  I am shielded and protected by the one who defeated him through calvary on the cross!  I feel a warm arm wrap itself around me and look to see the beautiful eyes, filled with love, of my Savior!  He leans in close and whispers in my ear,

"You are my daughter," an arrow sails past me and I hear a howl of pain.
"I see no stain on you, my child, I took it from you on the cross."  I hear another arrow sail forward.
"You are my beloved and captivating princess who I adore!  I have set you free!"  Another arrow finds it's target.
"My grace is sufficient for you, you are perfect without even trying because of my resurrection and love."  More howls of pain sound from a distance.
"I have an incredible plan and purpose for you, you do not have to prepare for it, for I will bestow what you need when you need it."  Another arrow sails...
"I am always here, I will never leave you and I will always love you."  And another...
"You are more than enough.  You are kind, loving, patient, humble, graceful, encouraging, and understanding.  You are perfect to me, and you are needed in this world."  And another...
"There's nothing you need to do to earn my love, and there's nothing you can do that will make me stop loving you as much as I do!"  As another arrow sails past me and I hear it strike it's target, I feel my gentle Savior place something heavy in my hand.  I look down and see a glimmering sword.  I look into His tender eyes and feel His warm hand take my empty one.

We begin to walk forward, toward the sounds of howling and pain.  He guides me toward my attacker, now a writhing and sad mass.  Pierced in him are eight arrows that I realize came from God.  I look at Jesus and feel Him squeeze my hand.
"You know what to do," He says.
I stand up and hear a commanding voice leave my lips.
"In the Name, Power, and Authority of Jesus Christ I rebuke you!"  I take the sword and plunge it into my enemy's dark and evil heart until he lays still and quiet for good.  He will not hurt me again.  

I remove the sword and then look to see His gentle smile.
"Well done good and faithful servant, well done."  He says.
"Jesus, it still hurts.  My enemy may be gone but the pain remains."  I can feel my wounds ache and feel weak and worn from the battle.  Jesus embraces me and speaks softly, lovingly,
"Daughter, you took a risk trusting me and now you are healed and whole."  At His command my strength returns.  I look down and see that my skin is pure and clean once more.  I smile and leap back into His arms!
"My grace is sufficient enough for you," He reminds me, "Live well, live blessed!"
I smile and whisper, "Thank you Jesus!"

Humbled

Sometimes it can be so different to be in the world but not of the world, especially when the world teaches lessons that God never meant for us to follow.  How many times have you heard people say things like, "If you work hard enough you'll achieve your goals," "You can do it, you just need to take control", "You need to be confident and believe in yourself".  The problem with these statements is they often lead to something past confidence that's a little darker and more self-centered, pride.  The bible teaches against pride, saying:

• "But after Uzziah became powerful, his pride led to his downfall.  He was unfaithful to the Lord his God." 2 Chronicles 26:16
• "In his pride the wicked man does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God." Psalm 10:4
• "When pride comes, then comes disgrace, but with humility comes wisdom." Proverbs 11:2

These are just a few of many verses about the downside of pride and it's interference in a relationship with God.  I have wrestled with pride before, moments where God would get me through something tough and I thought I could take it from there all by myself.  Moments where I thought I didn't need God.  Moments where I didn't even realize I was walking on my own because I thought I knew what to do.  So what is the opposite of pride?  Humbleness and humility.  These qualities say that our confidence is found in Christ alone.  It says, "I can do nothing without God, I need God with me every day and every moment".  Scripture says of humbleness and humility:

• "In the same way, you who are younger, submit yourselves to your elders.  All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, 'God opposes the proud but shows favor to the humble.'  Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time." 1 Peter 5:5-6
• "In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus:  Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death- even death on a cross!" Philippians 2:5-8

Christ-like humility is so different from how the world says we should approach our view of ourselves.  The world says that we need to focus on ourselves, but Jesus says that we need to focus him and on others more than ourselves.  Pride says, "I can do anything I want, I don't need God or anyone else", Humility says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13)".

God is such an amazing teacher, and I just had to chuckle when I realized that God was teaching me this lesson the day before I had surgery on my shoulder, causing me to now be limited in the things I can do.  It's a very humbling position to be in when you need to ask for help to do daily things, and I'm thankful to be put in a position to see God move when I'm submitted physically and spiritually to Him.  God also showed me how important it is to pray for a humble man to be my husband and for a marriage that is filled with Godly humility and grace.  And God has shown up, providing me with peace and a healthy mindset throughout this season of physical healing in my life, while also showing me ways to be a blessing to others even in my situation.  I hope that we would all turn from our pride and humble ourselves before God with every area of our lives so that we may see Him move mountains for us.  When our confidence is centered on Christ we can say, "Because of my relationship with the lover and savior of my soul, I know that I will see God's glory!"