"Dear Diary, Why can't I enjoy fun things like vacations and cruises? Why am I programmed in a way that I can't enjoy things without a man by my side? Why can't I break this?? I'm so frustrated! Why isn't God enough? How can I be so stupid and selfish all the time, always trying to get what I want, and then getting mad when He withholds it? And why can't I be content with myself? Why am I always last in the romance department? I know these thoughts are ungrateful and sinful but it's how I feel! How do I change this? Why can't I be truly happy? What else do I have to do? I love Christ, I've given myself to Him, and I pray and go to church, and I look for His guidance! What else do I have to do? And why do I feel so deserted? What else do I have to do to receive His Spirit, to love Him more than anything, to be grateful for everything He's given me? And why don't I feel like I'm good enough?
Lord, please help me to shed this diseased, selfish, mean-spirited skin! I don't want to be this person anymore! Please Lord, I need you so badly right now! You're the only one who can help me!!"
You might be wondering what this is from, and why there are so many questions. Today I have dedicated myself to the Lord through having a day of silence and as much solitude as one can get when they live with two dogs. A dear friend of mine had told me about this "24 Hours of Silence and Solitude", and so I planned a time to give it a try. God started the day by leading me down a final path of healing over my broken engagement, which included rereading my previous journals, most of which included many details about my previous relationship along with many Bible verses and a few nuggets of wisdom. As I was looking through some old pictures, I came across a thin journal with a pen still wedged inside. And what I found were some of my earliest prayers and writings from following God. This entry came out of that journal, written on May 16, 2012, days after I had turned 23 and almost a year old as a follower of Christ. 3 years ago, as you can probably tell, I was going through a very difficult time. What really struck me as I read through the desperate prayer at the end was that God did in fact answer that prayer! It took time, almost 3 years, but looking back it seems like no time at all. God has taken me through so much in my young years following Him, and I was filled with so much joy in realizing that I'm not that sad and confused girl anymore! Reading through this I actually had to wonder if that could've been me. I'm no longer mean-spirited, envious of others, or selfish. I focus on putting others before myself and serving God daily. I'm truly content and happy being single and God is definitely enough for me! And through my relationship with God I've realized how valued and loved I am by Him, I see myself as the Princess He sees me as! I'm content and joyful, praising God for all the incredible and undeserved blessings He's given to me, including anointing me and setting me apart for His work! My heart is so thankful!
As I was preparing to close this journal a last thought hit me. If God could answer prayers as big as this, one I forgot about but He never did, then how can I possibly believe that He can't or won't answer my biggest prayers? Who am I to doubt that He can't bring to me an incredible husband and a beautiful marriage, or lead me to a fulfilling career, or answer my hearts deepest desires? He really does do immeasurably more than we ask, it's absolutely mind-blowing! And I can't wait to look back on my newly completed journal 3 years down the road and be reminded of how much more He's done for and through me. Thank you so much Father God! Amen!
Daughter, you took a risk trusting Me, and now you are healed and whole! Live well, live blessed!
Luke 8:48 (The Message)
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