Overcoming Shame

One of the more dangerous thoughts that Christians promote is this idea that we are terrible, ugly people who should not be proud of or enjoy ourselves because compared to God we are nothing.  Certainly God is glorious and is more intelligent, creative, forgiving, compassionate, and loving than any of us humans.  However we need to be careful of the trap of putting ourselves so low and shaming ourselves in comparison so much that it actually harms us.

When we sin, many of us probably think "I shouldn't have done that", "How come I can't get this right?", "What's wrong with me?", "How can God love me".  We'll turn to God and confess our sin and ask for his forgiveness, but how many of us actually forgive ourselves?  God has already taken mercy on us but we can't have mercy on ourselves.  It is right that we should feel ashamed when we sin, otherwise we wouldn't seek repentance.  However, if we dwell on the shame and allow the devil to use it to speak lies into our hearts telling us that we are dirty and unworthy, we get sucked into a dark trap.

For many months now I've struggled with anxiety.  When it strikes it attacks me from the inside.  When I'm anxious I have a very difficult time pushing irrational shame away.  I've believed that I did something to deserve the anxiety, that God doesn't care about me enough to rescue me from the pain, that other people shouldn't be around me because I could bring them down, that I'm too needy and weak.  And even the smallest sin would make it worse.  I'd confess it to God but I couldn't let go of it, couldn't forgive myself because I thought I deserved more punishment.  Pretty soon I'd have no self-esteem and couldn't see anything in me worthy looking at and loving both from those I care about and from God.  Jesus has been trying to show me this week that all these things that I've believed are lies that the enemy used to try to kill my heart.  He knows that my body will mess up, that's why He sent His son to die for me on the cross.  But He also knows that my heart is good because I love His son.  He's shown me that He knows my pain and that it isn't because of something I did, but by things that happened to me.  He also knows how much I need people to support me which is why He sent me the strongest and most patient people.  Finally, He's teaching me that I've been too hard on myself.  Where God has told my heart that it's good I've turned around and told it that it's bad.  I need to trust His forgiveness and let go of the shame after repentance.  I need to be confident in my heart and my God.

People can sometimes confuse confidence for pride, and some christians don't think we should have either if we're following Christ.  The truth is, confidence founded in Jesus is very good and very important.  When we are confident in ourselves in Jesus we show the glory we were meant to have when God created Adam and Eve before the fall.  When this happens we can love confidently and share the gospel confidently.  Confidence says "Because of Christ/God I was able to do this", pride says "Because of my own work I was able to do this, and isn't it great!"  In 1 Corinthians 1:31 Paul writes, "Therefore, as it is written: 'Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord' (NIV)."  Be confident in the Lord and be confident in your relationship with Him.  Beware of shaming yourself and seeing yourself as less than God intended for you.  My goal these past few days has been to challenge every negative thought I have about myself and change it to better see how God sees me.  I challenge you to do the same!

Need Not Walk Alone

This week has been really tough on me, if I'm really honest about it.  After thinking my anxiety had been healed it returned stronger and uglier than ever before.  And for the first time I found myself losing hope, pushing away those who were happy because I didn't want to bring them down.  It wasn't until I was at a wedding calling my sister to pick me up that I realized and confessed to my fiancee, "I can't do this by myself anymore".

You see, from the beginning I've been trying to defeat my demon with my faith in God alone, trying to figure out what sin I needed to confess, what healing I had to ask for, revealing what I was doing wrong and needed to correct.  Has it drawn me closer to God?  In many ways, yes.  However, when the waves are too high and my enemy is too strong, it becomes difficult to see Jesus while I'm taking blows to my heart and spirit that disorient me.  I had been encouraged repeatedly to avoid medication, and I believed that taking medication would show that I was less of a Christian because I didn't fully trust my God to come through for me.

Strangely enough, God showed me the lives of some Christian women (and even some non-Christian men and women) whose lives and walks with God actually required and benefitted from medication.  Sometimes God needs to show us that while our spirits are saved through Jesus, our body is still of this world even as we attempt to make it a better temple for Him.  And since the body is worldly it can break down and require maintenance.  He has also equipped men and women to help heal His people through doctors and nurses, psychologists and counselors.  And when our damaged bodies stand in our way to a close and intimate relationship with Christ we require healing.  From where I stand now, I realize that I may be in a position where medication is required, and trust God that he will give my doctors wisdom to helping me fix my body so my soul can fully seek Him once more.  Jesus says in Matthew 9:12 "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick".

If you've been struggling with feelings of hopelessness, you've pushed people away so that you wouldn't bring them down, felt you don't deserve happiness or love, and have felt this way for some time, don't be ashamed to ask for help or consider medication.  Jesus wants to heal our mind, body, and spirit.  He wants all of you and he is angry that your joy has been stolen for you.  He wants a joyous heart for you and genuinely wants your happiness.  Don't be afraid to ask for help.  You shouldn't walk alone.  I'm so grateful for all the people in my life who have supported me, refused to let me push them out of their lives, and seriously and sincerely prayed for me.  And especially for my fiancee who has said that he is there for me no matter what.  You're not alone!

Stop Striving

As I was seeking God's help in fighting my anxiety God spoke something to me that was shocking and yet so freeing, "Stop striving."  A few days later the same message appeared during my Bible reading.  I came across Proverbs 10:22 which says, "The blessing of the Lord brings wealth, without painful toil for it. (NIV)"  This idea is very difficult for many of us to accept, that we don't need to work so hard to receive God's blessing.  For those growing up in America as I did, we were always surrounded by the idea that if you work hard and strive to do your best then you will achieve your goals, you will find wealth, you will find happiness.  The problem with this idea is that it negates God and His awesome power by having us take our future and well-being into our own hands.  If we are in control of our lives then how can God give us the best He has to offer us, and how can He use us as He wants for the betterment of His Kingdom if we don't let go?  Jesus even said in Luke 9:23-24, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. (NIV)"  This means that we lay down our ideas of how our lives should go, of our earthly hopes and dreams, and we lay down our human strife in order for God to use us and guide us down the path He has for us, with the ultimate payoff being eternal life with Him in Heaven!  And the best part is that the work He has planned for us gives us peace of mind and heart, not stress and pain as many earthly jobs do.

So what does it look like when we stop striving?  Let me first paint a picture of what my life looked like before I laid down my strife.  After becoming a Christian I still felt that I needed to do something to prove myself to God.  I wanted Him to be proud of me just as I want my earthly parents to be proud of me.  I would try to fix my sins myself, would try to control relationships so that they were as perfect and Godly as possible, and take on more than I could handle.  The end result was a big mess.  I would get overwhelmed in my sins and anxiety would toss me around, I got into more fights with my friends and fiancee, and I was so busy and stressed that I couldn't appreciate what was around me.  In the few days since I've laid down my strife I've felt incredibly more peaceful and happy.  I'm trusting God to help me with my sins and seeking His help in my battles, I'm letting the people I care about be themselves and wait in joyful anticipation to see what God does with them and the relationships we share, and despite having my hours cut at work (and a cut in pay) I've been able to enjoy more time with God and people I care about.  This is how I want to continue living my life, following God and seeing where He guides me without striving to do the best I can.  And God has shown me the greatest truth in the greatest lie I believed; that He loves me and is proud of me no matter what and there's nothing I need to do but trust Him and love Him in return!

Let me be clear, this does not mean that you should just sit around at home and wait for God to do something or tell you something.  God doesn't work like a class where we have to sit and study and take notes.  There's no test to take, no A to gain!  God works through application, through our trial and error.  We need to get out so we can appreciate the world He created and build relationships with people He created.  You will see what God wants you to do, which paths to continue down, and which to turn from.  We need to get out to provide opportunities for God to work, and let Him do the rest.  If He wants something to happen for you or wants you to be somewhere or with someone then nothing can stop Him from making that happen... He's God!  If He closes some doors then we need to trust they are for a reason.  Trust God and lay down your striving!  There's nothing more you can do to please Him, He loves you so much already!

Learning to Fight

Earlier this week I finished a round of what I like to call "Captivating Therapy".  To women everywhere, I highly recommend this book by John and Stasi Eldridge as I have turned to this book for spiritual and feminine counsel on multiple occasions since I first received and read it.  Anyway, after going through another bout with anxiety and feeling hopeless God whispered to me to return to Captivating's pages (something He's been telling me for a few months now) because He had many things to teach me.  One of these lessons was on spiritual warfare.  I learned that my anxiety is definitely an attack and, while people can (and should) fight for me, I need to be able to fight for myself when it strikes.  Many people facing attacks would ask, "Why is God letting this happen?  Why isn't He just taking it away?"  God will let some attacks happen to help teach and strengthen us, and He may even use us to help strengthen someone else going through attacks of a similar nature. In my "therapy" session, I learned that God is letting me face these attacks because He needs me to be very strong for what I'm going to be facing in the future, and through this latest attack He showed me that it's time to stop relying on everyone else to help me and stand up and fight for myself.  So what does this form of fighting look like?  Let me start with a verse.  Ephesians 6:10-13 says, "Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power.  Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.  Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand (NIV)."  From this verse we learn that there is a way to fight and protect ourselves, and Paul even talks of armor.  What is this armor?  He continues to explain, "Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God (Ephesians 6:14-17)."  There are six pieces of armor that God talks about that accomplish different ways of protection.  Let's simplify them:  

• Belt of Truth- We need to firmly know God's truth in order to know what is of Him and what is of Satan.  We also need to recall His truth in times of difficult attacks.  Satan kept trying to tell me I wasn't good enough, that I didn't deserve love, that I had to take things into my own hands if they were ever going to get done, and that I wasn't beautiful.  I had to remember the truth which was that God loves me, finds me beautiful, that I'm more than enough for Him, and and that He is in control so I don't need to strive to make things go my way.  God's truth offers peace, Satan's lies offer worry.

• Breastplate of Righteousness- If we are obeying God and following his commands then it will be difficult for the devil to attack us.  If we are sinning we weaken ourselves and leave ourselves open to Satan's schemes.  When I'm struggling and participating in sin I notice that I fall away from God and become more vulnerable to attacks.  I get more controlling, worry more, and doubt myself and my God more and I am open to the enemy.  When I am listening to and obeying God Satan can't hurt me.

• Shoes of Readiness- Paul says that this comes from knowing the gospel of peace.  I believe that knowing the truth about Christ, that he died for our sins, defeated the grave, and rose to life so we can rise with him on the judgement day is what Paul is talking about.  I believe it's also about knowing Christ and having a relationship with him.  If your best friend is Christ, do you think his opponent who highly fears him would even dare approach?  We also need to know the authority that Christ holds.  When fighting off an attack I use the authority of Jesus Christ, not God or Moses or David, Christ.

• Shield of Faith- Knowing that God is alive, that He has rescued you through the blood of His Son, and will continue to be with you requires a lot of faith.  I've found too that if you have a strong faith in God you aren't as afraid of the attack since you realize that God has something to teach you and He will rescue you if you get overwhelmed.  I know He's rescued me several times.  Faith also requires trusting God and that He will ALWAYS be there for you.

• Helmet of Salvation-  Knowing that you have received salvation is an important part of this protection.  If you still believe there is something else that must be done in order to be truly saved then Satan will throw it at you constantly and tell you you're not good enough.  If you believe and trust in the salvation that you've been given through Christ then there isn't much the enemy can do to you.

• Sword of the Spirit-  This is God's word.  Having Bible verses you can turn to in times of attack to remind you of God's truth is incredibly important.  It's also important to be in the Word as often as you can because it will strengthen you in faith and strengthen your relationship with Jesus.  You'll find the verses that speak the most to you and you'll be able to pull them out in times of attack.  One of my favorites is featured in two gospels with different wording (Mark 8:33 and Matthew 16:23), but Jesus says "Get behind me, Satan!  You are a stumbling block to me; you do not have in mind the concerns of God but merely human concerns (Matthew 16:23 NIV)."  Perfectly said by our perfect savior!

Everyday we need to put on the armor of God and we need to accept that through attacks there are lessons to be learned.  But please remember, the lesson is not to fail or to be given over to the enemy.  That's not what God wants.  He wants you to fight, to learn His truth, to put on His armor, and to grow stronger for future battles, some of which you'll fight for yourself and some of which you'll fight for others.  I'm reminded of one night where my fiancee was attacked.  I had never experienced anything like it before and I was scared.  He started feeling poorly for no reason, and I was glad he was able to identify it for what it was.  As he lay there and admitted to me that he was afraid I finally got up the courage to pray for God's protection over him, and this gave my fiancee the strength to fight and rebuke the devil himself while I continued to pray.  I was amazed by what God did that night and what He taught me about prayer and teamwork (especially as a couple).  I have no doubt that my fiancee and I will face attacks in our marriage (our best relationships are the most opposed by the enemy), and we will need to fight sometimes together and sometimes separately to force Satan to leave.  And I trust that God is preparing me for the future battles ahead. Be strong and learn to fight.  The Kingdom and the world need your strength.