Need Not Walk Alone

This week has been really tough on me, if I'm really honest about it.  After thinking my anxiety had been healed it returned stronger and uglier than ever before.  And for the first time I found myself losing hope, pushing away those who were happy because I didn't want to bring them down.  It wasn't until I was at a wedding calling my sister to pick me up that I realized and confessed to my fiancee, "I can't do this by myself anymore".

You see, from the beginning I've been trying to defeat my demon with my faith in God alone, trying to figure out what sin I needed to confess, what healing I had to ask for, revealing what I was doing wrong and needed to correct.  Has it drawn me closer to God?  In many ways, yes.  However, when the waves are too high and my enemy is too strong, it becomes difficult to see Jesus while I'm taking blows to my heart and spirit that disorient me.  I had been encouraged repeatedly to avoid medication, and I believed that taking medication would show that I was less of a Christian because I didn't fully trust my God to come through for me.

Strangely enough, God showed me the lives of some Christian women (and even some non-Christian men and women) whose lives and walks with God actually required and benefitted from medication.  Sometimes God needs to show us that while our spirits are saved through Jesus, our body is still of this world even as we attempt to make it a better temple for Him.  And since the body is worldly it can break down and require maintenance.  He has also equipped men and women to help heal His people through doctors and nurses, psychologists and counselors.  And when our damaged bodies stand in our way to a close and intimate relationship with Christ we require healing.  From where I stand now, I realize that I may be in a position where medication is required, and trust God that he will give my doctors wisdom to helping me fix my body so my soul can fully seek Him once more.  Jesus says in Matthew 9:12 "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick".

If you've been struggling with feelings of hopelessness, you've pushed people away so that you wouldn't bring them down, felt you don't deserve happiness or love, and have felt this way for some time, don't be ashamed to ask for help or consider medication.  Jesus wants to heal our mind, body, and spirit.  He wants all of you and he is angry that your joy has been stolen for you.  He wants a joyous heart for you and genuinely wants your happiness.  Don't be afraid to ask for help.  You shouldn't walk alone.  I'm so grateful for all the people in my life who have supported me, refused to let me push them out of their lives, and seriously and sincerely prayed for me.  And especially for my fiancee who has said that he is there for me no matter what.  You're not alone!