Love is Hard

What do you think about when you hear the word love?  Do you think of fairy tale endings, romance, affection?  Or do you think about families together, mothers and their children, fathers wrestling with the young ones?  What about friends talking and laughing together?  Do you think of smiles, laughter, a warm contentment in your heart, a feeling of belonging?  Love certainly has all these aspects to it.  But how many of us think of arguments, looking into the eyes of someone you care about after they hurt you, commitment through really tough times, telling someone about what you did to them and apologizing?

When we consider love we tend to think about all the positive aspects of it, but often forget that it comes with pain.  How many of you have heard the saying of, "If it's meant to be it will be easy".  This is such a lie told to us by the world.  Even Christians can be guilty of believing that if we love God everything will be easy, including love.  What we often forget is that there are two types of love for everyone that we can love: conditional and unconditional love.  Conditional Love is when we seek the positive feelings for ourselves, when we love someone because they show love to us.  It's easy to love my fiancee when he's serenading me with one of my favorite songs!  He did something for me and I feel great.  However, when he hasn't called me in two days my earthly self often says, "I'm not going to give him anything until he shows me love."  How many times do we find ourselves doing that?  Think about your relationship with your parents when they're annoying you, your best friend when you feel they've wronged you, or when the person you love hurts you.  Many of our earthly ideas of love center around the idea of conditional love.

God asks us to go a step higher and follow His model through Christ of Unconditional Love.  What is unconditional love?  Just read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, "Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (NIV, emphasis added)."  I don't know about you, but the first time I read this I thought, "I'd love to be loved like this!  This is how God loves me."  It's true, this is how God loves us, but if you're like me you'll notice how the desire was on being loved that way.  Here's a challenge, try reading these verses when you're angry at someone you care about.  Can you love them that way?  Again, if you're anything like me you're probably thinking what I'm thinking, "Love is hard".   And guess what, this is how God wants us to love not only Him, but everyone He's entrusted to us, even complete strangers!  Consider this, if you're realizing that love is hard remember that God loves all of us like this, no matter what we've done!  Talk about hard! My fiancee is pretty good at most of this with me, it's truly amazing sometimes.  He loves me like Christ and that's one of the greatest things I adore about him.  But I also get a little jealous sometimes, wishing I could love him just like he loves me.  God has shown me to trust Him and He will teach me.

Are you thinking, "God, how am I going to do this?  You're asking too much of me!"?  I know I have!  However remember this, if you have declared your life to Jesus then you are a work in progress.  I repeat, you are a work in progress.  God doesn't expect you to be able to do this right away.  He knows we have to practice it, which is why He's going to give you plenty of opportunities!  Just the other day I was upset with my fiancee.  I was firmly holding my ground and saying that I wouldn't budge until he showed love to me.  Self-seeking, conditional love.  But God wouldn't let me get my way and instead instructed me, "Go over to him and kiss him right now".  I resisted for a moment but God knew I had to learn a lesson and wouldn't let me off the hook.  So I obeyed.  I went up to my fiancee and gave him a loving kiss.  And you know what was crazy, I felt my anger melt away and what replaced it was feelings of love toward him.

So how do we practice unconditional love?  Here are a few of the things that God has shown me (and I still have a lot of practice to go so this is as much for me as it is for you):

1. Find out what makes someone you care about feel loved and do it, especially when you're upset or disappointed in them.  Do this for your mom, your best friend, your brother, your grandpa, your person.
2. When someone you care about isn't showing you much attention, instead of holding out on them meet them.  Sometimes it can be a text or phone call saying you miss them or are wondering how they're doing.
3. When you're upset with someone you care about consider yourself before judging them.  I sometimes get on my fiancee for being prideful, but recognizing that I can struggle with that too helps me to remember let go of small things.
4. If someone you care about is a Christ follower but is sinning try separating the sin from the person.  This is what Paul encourages us to do because the two ARE separate.
5. Pray for people you care about when you're mad at them. Ask God to be with them and bless them, and ask Him to help you see that person the way God sees them.
6. Remember, love is an action.  If you aren't feeling loved, step up and do something thoughtful for someone else.  It's an even better feeling to make someone else feel loved! 
7. Recognize the things people do for you that they consider love and appreciate it.  Also, don't be afraid to suggest things that will make you feel good.  Love is best when it's a two way street.
8. When you're upset with someone, think about all their good characteristics and your favorite memories with them.  Don't let the negative thoughts win out over the positive ones.
9. If someone you care about truly did something to hurt you, tell them about it.  Avoid blame and explain how it felt to you, without bringing up past incidences.  Then, no matter if they apologize or not, forgive them and let it go.

One of my friends a few years ago said something really thought provoking.  He said that if his wife ever cheated on him that he'd stay with her.  This is something that he'd have biblical grounds to divorce her, Jesus even said it would be okay.  But he said he'd stay, explaining that he'd done so much to wrong God and yet God still forgave him and walked with him, so he would do that for his wife as well.  Wow!  That is unconditional love!

Love is hard, and love is work.  Love is an action, not a feeling.  Unconditional love asks us to love someone no matter how much they hurt us.  And love is not just for romantic relationships.  If you want to improve the way you love unconditionally, ask God to reveal someone in your life who needs love, someone who will challenge you to love.  If you constantly argue with your mother then God might ask you to start there.  Or if there's a friend you find yourself upset with often, begin there.  Has your significant other been driving you crazy lately?  You may want to begin there and start showing love and forgiving them what they've done wrong.  Then recognize that you can't do this out of your own strength, just look to the world for proof of that.  Ask God to help you and guide you, ask the spirit for strength and discernment, patience and kindness. This is a challenge for me and you.  Love is hard, but love is also very necessary.  As Paul earlier writes in 1 Corinthians 13:3, "If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing (NIV, emphasis included)."  Unconditional love is so necessary that we even need to be prepared for spiritual attack against ourselves and our relationships that we must fight, for it is greatly opposed by our enemy.  

My God be with you and help you to love those He's entrusted to you with unconditional love.  May His angels protect you, and may the Spirit bless you with wisdom, patience, strength, and kindness.  Love is hard, but there's a God for that!