Your Masterpiece

You gather your colors, the whole spectrum of the universe, and prepare your brushes: love, grace, truth.  In your mind a wisp of an idea begins to form, churning and tightening as you determine each very specific detail.  The image takes form in your magnificent mind and you begin to put paint to canvas.  You start small, from the vital beating muscle within.  A brush of passionate love here, a swish of vibrant joy there that becomes blended into the dark anxiety, doubt, and fear.  As you move the brush around the darkness becomes almost unrecognizable.  You swoop the brush as a magnificent beauty appears upon the canvas, and a pleasant thankfulness is the final touch to the beating heart.

Next you begin on the intricate muscle above, where messages will flow from and enter through.  You put your brush to work once more and begin to blend intelligence, logic, and swirl of humor, a navigation of the passion which was bestowed upon the heart.  Some of the darkness from the beating muscle below makes its way up, but is mixed and blended more and more gradually as before until, it too, is barely noticed.

You continue your work of art, adding lovely hazel-blue lenses through which to appreciate your work and natural beauty, and a portal through which to hear the gorgeous swells of blended harmonies and melodies.  Another stroke and soft pink lips are added through which love will be expressed and music will be created.  The canvas, almost filled now, is magnificent and beyond compare.  You frown as you try to determine what's missing.  The image becomes even clearer and brush meeting paint caresses canvas once more.  Wavy brunette hair with reflections of your light covers the brain.  A few dots on the face and distinguishable dimples are born to brighten the smile.  Curves and edges created with graceful swoops work down and create legs and hips to move, dance, skip, and jump.  Arms and hands are created to embrace, pray, worship, and create.  Once a lovely white silk gown is donned and a shimmering crown rests gently upon the head, the painter leans back and smiles, beyond pleased with his work.  He gives it a kiss and the figure breaks free of the canvas, living, breathing, twirling, dancing freely.  She stops and looks at her creator and her eyes shimmer with love.  "There you are, my princess, my masterpiece."  You proclaim, "You are so beautiful for me."

Standing in the Hallway

Step by step, one foot in front of the other.  I follow his lead with my hand resting gently in his.  I hear a click and there's a brief squeak as he ushers me through the golden front door.  And then we stop and as I gaze upon my new surroundings I hear a faint click as I recognize the sound of a lock falling into place.  I find myself in a beautiful hallway with cream colored trimmings and soft purple walls, the color of royalty.  Yes, I am in the hallway of a home belonging to royalty.  There are beautiful paintings and verses filled with promise and hope.  There is even a marble staircase on the right side that leads up to another hallway.  There are magnificent flowing tapestries upon the front windows.

As I'm exploring I feel the familiar presence of my guide.  No, not my guide.  My Prince.  His title is marked by the crown of thorns around his head.  His hands seek mine in his once more, and he looks at me with a smile that radiates pure love.

"My dear princess," he says, "I must leave you here for now, but before I go I must explain.  This is the house of your life.  You have been faithful and given all you are and all you have to me, and so the time has come for me to bring you here.  However, only this hallway is ready for you.  I must go ahead and prepare each room of the house, and I will bring it to you when it is complete and ready for your presence.  You are safe here.  Do not be afraid when robbers bang on the door and try to get in.  Trust that I have taken every precaution for your safety.  While you may not see me for a little while, I am always with you and will always fight for you, you need only be still.  All I ask for is your trust.  I can hardly wait to see your face light up as I show you what I have prepared for you!  So now, my beautiful bride, it is time for me to go.  I will see you soon."  And with a kiss on my forehead he's gone.

Who am I that my Prince Jesus has prepared a house of royalty for me?  I never dreamed I would be led here!  I begin to explore and walk around the hallway.  It is only now that I realize the doors around me.  All of the doors have a golden label, and some of them have words etched into the precious metal.  I walk past a door that reads "Calling", and another that reads "Moving Out", and yet another that reads "Marriage".  I try to open the third door but it will not open.  That room is not ready for me yet.  Other doors have only a few letters etched in so I can not make out their titles.  I realize that behind each door my Prince is preparing the room for me, and I am filled with excitement and try to imagine what incredible things I will find behind the door.  I know he will not open a single door until that room is ready for me.  Oh how I long to walk through each door, but I know that I don't want to walk through a single door with any baggage, with any emotion that will hinder me from taking in the fullness of the room.  I only want to walk through the doors with a joyous, grateful, praising heart.

When I get up I walk to the very last door in the hallway, directly opposite the first door Jesus and I came through.  This golden label reads "Everlasting Life", and I realize that the view behind this door will be the greatest of them all, the one that will take the most time to prepare.  Oh who am I that the heavenly prince would love me, save me, and prepare a lovely home for me!  I have done nothing to earn this gift.  I turn and find two magnificent paintings on the wall. The first features my Prince bloody and weak nailed to a cross.  A reminder of the price that was paid, how great my Prince's love for me is.  The second painting features an empty tomb with white cloth draped over stone upon which his body once lay.  It is the reminder of his triumph, the victory.  And it is through both of these paintings that I realize why I am here.  Nothing I have done, other than taking the hand of my Prince, has brought me here.  It was all him.

I begin to sing and hear my song echo off the walls with such grace.  My joy leads me to dance, and I spin around like a young girl in a new dress and laugh as I fall down dizzy.  And with a deep breath I whisper the words, "Thank you Jesus!"

I walk up the marble staircase and see a magnificent mirror with words written on the frame.  The words read "Encourager" "Supporter" "Captivating" "Loved" "Compassionate" "Daring" "Nurturer" "Joy" "Pure" "Blameless" and "Princess".  Below the large mirror is a small table upon which sits a beautiful glittering crown, a princess crown.  No, my crown.  I gently place the crown upon my head and gaze in the mirror as I see myself in a brand new and altogether lovely way!

Oh how loved I am!

Let It Go

When thinking about this post, no other three words seemed like a better fit.  And if you're anything like me, when you read this a certain Disney song popped into your head.  And if you're exactly like me, you probably started singing it!  These three words, however, were the main message of this morning's service at my church.  It spoke about letting go of our fear of the consequences of truth, however I actually only remember a skit that was performed near the end.

In this skit it featured a man in a business suit looking very aggravated and walking at a hurried pace.  He walked right past another man who was sitting eating his McDonald's on a park bench.  The man on the bench asked if the businessman was leaving work early, to which the response was that he was and added that he'd been having a tough year.  After taking a phone call that added to the businessman's aggravation, he came to sit down by the man sitting on the bench.  After some conversation the businessman revealed his struggles with a man at work and a meeting that he had that didn't go so well.  The man on the bench said that one of the businessman's coworkers was having a tough time with some things and maybe he could be shown understanding and patience.  He also added that the businessman could have taken a different approach in the meeting.  The businessman looked confused.  The man on the bench was not in his meeting, how did he know these things?  After revealing some more details to him, the businessman was thoroughly bewildered.  Then, as a test, the businessman asked a question to which the answer was very personal, "In 7th grade I had a crush on this girl and I wrote her a note asking if she liked me and for her to check 'Yes' 'No' or 'Maybe'.  What did I write this note on?"  The man on the bench answered that he had written it on a wrapper.  The businessman smiled in relief and announced that something else had been used, not the wrapper, for his note.  The man on the bench countered saying that that was his second draft of the same note, the first draft had been written on the wrapper.  He then added, "And I remember how hurt you were when she checked 'No' and how you yelled at me."  At this point the businessman realized that he was speaking with God and was amazed.  He came to sit on the bench where God asked him about all the different things in his life.  His money, his car, and then his job.  The businessman realized that God was asking him to give these things into God's hands.  At the mention of his job the businessman became reluctant saying that he somehow needed to provide for his family, but finally handed it over in the form of his briefcase.  Then God asked about the man's family.  The man showed Him a picture as he beamed proudly, which quickly turned into a deep frown when he realized that God was asking for this too.  The man took a lot longer with this, it was his family, his flesh and blood, something he poured a lot of love into.  Finally, the man tearfully handed God his family in the form of the picture.  Then the man became angry, saying that God now had everything and he was scared.  Then God said, "Not everything".  The man realized that God wanted him to hand over his life.  This took the longest of all, the man had given up everything else he had to God, and now God wanted him as well.  The look on the man's face showed that he thought God was asking too much.  He asked what God could possibly want with him, what He could possibly do with his life.  God responded, "You'll be amazed."  Finally the man gave his life up to God and came to sit beside him on the bench once more.  Then he started laughing realizing that he already felt better.  And then something amazing happened.  God handed him everything back.  His briefcase, his car, his money, his family.  The man was confused.  God said, "Remember, they all belong to me.  And I'm trusting them to you."  As God got up to leave the man asked what he should do with everything given to him.  God responded, "Check in with me and I'll tell you."

So what does this beautiful skit have to do with anything?  When we come into a relationship with God we need to realize that God doesn't just want to save us and cleanse us of our sins.  He wants all of us, and He can only have that if we surrender control over the things we love and give that to Him.

God has asked me to do this several times in my life.  When I surrendered my life to Christ He asked me to give my family and my future to Him.  I struggled, but I surrendered them.  When I was struggling with teaching God asked me to give my career life over to Him.  At that point I didn't know what else to do so I gladly gave it into the arms of God.  And then God asked me to hand over a man I loved, a man I was engaged to, and asked me to trust Him.  I struggled a lot with this one but eventually I surrendered.  And God has blessed me abundantly for each surrender even though I was terrified.  I thought I had given everything over to God, and then He shocked me once more.  After this morning's service I saw my dear friend and mentor and went down to visit her.  We talked about the service and I told her about my experience at the retreat I went on with the high schoolers.  I confessed to her that part of my struggle had come because I felt like God was asking me to give up my dreams of being a wife and mother, dreams that I'd had as a young girl and then given up in my teenage years because I lost hope as the world told me I wasn't beautiful and I wondered how anyone could love me for the rest of my life, no one was even that interested.  After I came to Christ pst-college, my hope for marriage was sparked once more.  And after my broken engagement it was this hope which I clung to, that someday God would bring the right man into my life to be my husband.  I had been praying for this man and writing him letters and working to live my life in a way that would bring both him and God joy.  When I felt like God was asking me to give all this up I freaked out.  After the retreat I concluded that that was not it, it couldn't be.  After I told my friend this she asked me, "Could you give up your dream of marriage?"  I stood there stunned.  I said, "I can't see how God wouldn't have a husband for me."  My friend responded, "That's not what I asked.  Could you give up your dream of marriage to God?"  I squirmed, "I feel like this is a desire of my heart, I feel like He's been preparing me for it."  Once again my friend asked, "Will you give you your desire for marriage to God?  Is God enough for you?"  I felt like I was the man in the skit talking to God when asked to give up his family.  My life had been easy to give up, and now God was asking for my deepest desire, my strongest dream, the hope that had been keeping me alive.  And I wrestled, I clung, and then finally released.  "Yes, I give it up to Him," I finally said.  My friend smiled and asked to pray with me, and I felt lighter!  Don't get me wrong, I'm still terrified, but I also realize that as in the skit, God could hand my dream back to me, He may still give me what I desired, but only if it fits into His plan.  And now I fully trust that His plans are better than my own.  God has rewarded me for my obedience, for releasing everything up to Him, and I know He will continue to.  And as was said in the skit, when asked what God could do with me, God is saying, "You'll be amazed!"

So this morning God once more asked me to "Let It Go", and I look in joyful expectation for what He will do!

If God is asking you to let go of something, take the time to pray and consider, but I hope you'll give it up to Him.  He loves you and He cares so much about you.  Our control holds us back from living the life we were meant to and the stress overpowers us.  He can take the load, and He's the most careful and trustworthy being there is.  I pray that you listen to this song and feel God's love rush upon you.  Surrender to Him and you won't be disappointed!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XFkDqQtfs0w

My Walk with God

"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Matthew 22:37-39

"Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God.  Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God; This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.  No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." 1 John 4:7;9-12

I've used this blog to write about my struggles and lessons from walking with Christ, however God has been putting it on my heart that I haven't shared my testimony, or my story, in a while.  Sharing my testimony is something that I had to do when I first found small groups and when I was baptized.  I've shared the short version a few times with people who have wondered about it, but I haven't shared it in full in over a year.  So here it is, now you can know the person behind the writing.

Before Christ
I was born to amazing parents in Metro-Detroit who have always been supportive, helpful, and have provided more than enough laughs and memories.  I'm the oldest of three, and I shared my parents' love with my sister and brother whom I dearly love.  I would describe my family life as being very happy, and I've wanted for nothing as my dad works a good job and my mom was able to stay home and raise us.  Family and education were valued.   However, one thing my family never did was go to church.  I believed there was a higher being, perhaps God, but I didn't understand (nor did I care to try) the whole Jesus thing.  I also believed that being a Christian and going to church was only for those who had a harder time dealing with life.  I thought I was strong enough to go through life without it.

When my great-grandfather died I heard about salvation for the first time.  The pastor shared that my great-grandfather's greatest wish was for his family to be saved.  At 14 years old I didn't really understand what that meant.  When I asked my mom she said that my great-grandparents believed that we would go to hell if we didn't accept Jesus and were "saved".  This hurt me as, from my perspective, I didn't see how I wouldn't go to heaven.  Overall I was a good kid, so how could I go to hell?  This realization pushed me away from church and God.

After graduating from high school I attended my dream school, Michigan State University, to earn a degree in Elementary Education.  Don't ask me why, but I always wanted to be a Spartan.  I had also been determined, since childhood, to become an elementary school teacher.  In my first week as a Spartan I met my best friend!  She was different from the other friends I'd had before, and I liked how she always cared about me and accepted me for who I was.  I didn't have to worry about her going behind my back or doing something to purposely hurt me.  However, as a freshmen, I could tell she was one of the more popular girls who would go out to parties with friends, drink, and smoke.  To me she seemed like a typical college girl, just very friendly toward me.

In my Junior year of college I realized that my best friend was becoming a different person, in a good way.  She didn't go out partying as much and she spent more time going to a church near campus.  She seemed happier, and I couldn't put my finger on what was going on.  Our Senior year we ended up getting an apartment together, where I witnessed more of her changes.

Early in my Senior year of college I heard of the unexpected death of someone I knew of in high school.  She was doing her student teaching (what I would be doing the next year) when she died of an aneurism (I believe).  That information, mixed with my innate ability to worry, started me down a very dark path for the year.  I became a hypochondriac, afraid that I had cancer or could die at any time.  I also became afraid of things like nuclear war and the sudden end of the world.  Thoughts of what it would be like to die were prominent in my mind.  I could hide these intense fears well, but I knew that I was not living a quality life.  Looking back, I don't know why I didn't seek help.

It was also at this time that my friend became more bold with sharing her church life with me.  We would have talks about Jesus and the Bible, which I had believed could've been written by men who were high and making stuff up.  However, the changes that were happening within my friend was something I couldn't deny, and I knew it was linked to the Jesus stuff.  Close to graduation, my friend and her step-father (who is extremely educated in biblical history) shared with me some of the bibles' history and some of the evidence that showed that there was nothing definitive proving there was no God, and that there was (and is) still too much in question that science cannot definitively answer.

Accepting Christ
Shortly after graduating with my bachelors degree in Elementary Education, I was in the process of moving home.  I was still wrestling with the intense fears I'd been having when my friend gave me a copy of the New Testament.  While reading it I realized how tiring it was to be in control of my own life, and that I had no idea what was best for me.  I was also scared because, after student teaching, I had no idea where life would take me.  It was a late June afternoon in 2011 that I chose to surrender my life to Jesus.  That summer I read through all of the New Testament (minus Revelations, my friend said that is a tough book to read) and cut out swearing (for the most part).  I was also working to be kind towards my friends and family.

When student teaching started I quickly lost the joy of my new found salvation amidst the graduate level coursework and the teaching workload.  Soon I found myself back in a dark and lonely place, living back where I had grown up with only a few friends nearby (who were just as busy as I was).  One January night I decided to go out with my best friend and a couple of her friends.  Everyone was dressing up but I was just not feeling it.  I didn't like any of my dresses and just didn't feel like seeing people.  When I finally did get out of the house, I was annoyed because I barely knew anyone and I didn't get to spend enough time with my friend.  I left that night without telling her I was going.  But before I left, another friend of mine told me that she was attending a church called Woodside that she really liked.

I didn't think much about that church until a few weeks later when God made it clear to me that I needed community to help me learn about God.  I messaged the girl who told me about it on Facebook to ask her about Woodside and she invited me to join her for their Sunday night Young Adults service called Lighthouse.  I took her up on the offer and went to check it out.  I was amazed by how exciting the music was and how the message really spoke to me.  I was thrilled when they told us that we could join small groups to get to know other people.  I signed up that night and found myself a part of a great group comprised of women who shared completely life changing stories of their experiences with God.  They were so kind and welcomed me, and I was amazed.  I started attending church (especially the Lighthouse services) more regularly and about a month later I signed up to be baptized.

About a month before my baptism I went to the Lighthouse Good Friday service.  They had opened the event up to all young adults in the area.  I went with one of the girls from my group who said she was meeting up with some of her friends.  It was there that I met two men who I later learned had a co-ed small group and they invited me to come.  I told my best friend, who was looking for a Christian group to join since moving home from school, to come check it out with me.  Within a summer I had a group of amazing friends who are still very dear to me today.

On May 20th, 2012 I was baptized at Woodside Bible Church.  My parents, along with my best friend and her family, watched and supported me.  It was an amazing experience.


What I've Learned About God

"'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.  Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you.  You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.'" Jeremiah 29:11-13
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life; and have it to the full." John 10:10

I have learned so much about God, Jesus, and faith in my walk so far.  One of the biggest things I learned about God happened in the summer of 2012.  I was doing a book study of Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge with the girls in my small group, a book that has and continues to change my life as a woman of God, when I learned that God doesn't just want to save us, that's not the only reason why Jesus came and died on the cross to defeat the grave.  It started with this verse:

"The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from darkness for the prisoners,
to proclaim the year of the LORD's favor and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn, 
and provide for those who grieve in Zion-
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair." Isaiah 61:1-3

The authors explained it in clearer terms to say:
"God has sent me on a mission.  I have some great news for you.  God has sent me to restore and release something, and that something is you.  I am here to give you back your heart and set you free.  I am furious at the Enemy who did this to you, and I will fight against him.  Let me comfort you.  For, dear one, I will bestow beauty upon you where you have known only devastation, joy, in the places of your deep sorrow.  And I will robe your heart in thankful praise in exchange for your resignation and despair." Captivating, pg. 96

This helped me to understand that there was more to Jesus than just salvation and good teaching.  He didn't just care about where I ended up, He cares about who I am right now.  He wants to take on my pain, my sorrow, my mistakes, my anxiety, my anger, etc.  He wants to heal me and perfect me in His image!  It was from knowing this that I realized that God doesn't just want my soul, He wants a relationship with me, He wants a relationship with everyone!  And this view has made all the difference!  People sometimes ask me how I know God is real.  It's not because of science (which I believe is how we explore God's creation) or theological proof.  My faith in God can never be shaken because I've experienced a relationship as real as the ones I have with my family, friends, and eventually my spouse.  Once you've experienced how much God loves you, pursues you, fights for you, soothes you, comforts you, and counsels you then you know God is real!  I can't go back, and I don't want to!  My life verse, at this point in my life, is:

'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.'  This is the first and greatest commandment.  And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.'" Matthew 22:37-39

God has done amazing things in my life, and I have total faith that He will continue to, for His Word says "Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus (Philippians 1:6)."

Thank you for reading my testimony!  I give God all the praise!

Through the Eyes of the World

Months ago my best friend wrote something that the Spirit guided her to write and she shared it with me!  I thought it was absolutely beautiful and, when I started this blog, I asked her if she wouldn't mind if I shared it.  So the following is written by my beautiful, amazing, and Godly friend Emily Rippetoe!  May you be encouraged by it.

Through the Eyes of the World

By Emily Rippetoe

Through the eyes of the world, I am not pretty enough.
My hair is not blond enough or dark enough.
It's too short an doesn't have enough body.
Through the eyes of the world my eyes are not fair enough, my skin is not tan enough and I am not skini enough.
I don't have a perfect body and there is fat in places I don't want there to be.
Through the eyes of the world, I am too tall or not tall enough.
I don't dress stylishly enough and the clothes I have don't cost enough.
Through the eyes of the world, I am just another average girl who is never enough to be noticed at all.

But through the eyes of the Lord, I am all of these things:
I am the perfect height. My body is shaped exactly as He designed it and my style is all my own.
Through the eyes of the Lord, my hair is a beautiful shade of rich, warm brown and my eyes dance and smile with a warmth and a light that is unlike any other.
My skin is smooth and creamy and picks up a beautiful glow in the sun.
In the eyes of the Lord, I have curves in all the right places and my height makes me elegent, not awkward.

In the eyes of the Lord, I am so much more than my looks or my appearance.
I am my smile, my light and my love for life.
I am my heart for people, my passion for justice, and a beautiful reflection of God's grace.
In the eyes of the Lord, I am exactly the way I am supposed to be.
God made no mistake when he made me.
I am beautiful.
I am stunning.
I am beyond compare.
And in the eyes of the Lord, I am perfect.

Seeking God's Best

"I just want the best that God has for me," I declared one day to a close friend.  It had been a year and a half of agonizing toil laced with near debilitating anxiety about whether or not I should follow through and marry the man I had been with.  He was a nice, loving, and fun christian man, but I couldn't help feeling like I was missing something for it to be THAT relationship, the one that vows till death do us part.  The question that had been gripping me was "Is this God's will for my life?"  I brought it up to many of my friends, some of which explained to me that God gives us choices, and He will honor our choices as long as we make those choices with Him at the forefront.  I read articles and books on the topic of God's Will, and even sat through several church services about this topic.  However, I was still confused.  I was making the choice to marry with God at the forefront, but the doubts and anxiety still attacked me.

Finally it hit me when I was talking with a dear friend what I really wanted.  God gives us choices, but we can make the choice to seek Him for His best!  So I decided to call off the relationship with my then-fiancee and seek God as a single woman for the first time in 2 years.  The anxiety fell away as I reached closer and closer to God, and I made the decision, from that point on, to seek God's best in my life.

So what does this look like?  It means giving God full control over the biggest and smallest areas of our lives and trusting Him to come through for us.  Since I broke up with my ex, I've started praying for my husband, prayers for certain characteristics and a love for Jesus and others, and a heart for family.  I also pray for God to give me His best, and to develop me into my husbands' best!  I've also started living a life honoring both to him and Jesus by staying away from exclusive hangouts with men and keeping myself pure of mind and body.  As another means of preparing myself for my husband and serving my Lord, I've placed my focus in loving the friends and family around me that God has blessed me with, friends and family that are definitely God's best for me!

My current area of asking for God's best is in terms of my career.  Currently I'm studying for my masters in counseling.  I knew I was in the right program, but with so many areas I could go into I wasn't sure where would be best for me.  So I turned to God for His best and He's been leading me.  I don't know exactly what it is yet, but I know that it's something that will allow me to separate work and home life so I can serve in church and be a good wife and mother (if that's what God calls me to, which I believe it is).  I feel like He's saying to me, "Don't let your job be your identity, and don't think that what I'm asking you to do career wise is small.  You will do bigger things, but not necessarily for money."  And so once more I trust Him, knowing that I've asked for God's best and trusting Him to give me just that!  I look forward to updating you when that happens, but for now I can say that my choice to trust God and be single once more was God's best in my life, and I know this season will not go wasted.

Remember, you have choices, but you can either choose what you think is best or to trust God on what He knows is best.  Choose wisely, and know that God loves you no matter what you choose!

He's Enough

Yesterday, on a beautiful autumn day filled with sunshine, I walked along the road in my neighborhood.  Only, my emotions were not lining up with the day.  I felt so alone after spending the day with friends, many of whom were coupled up.  It's been about 2 months now since I called off my engagement, and overall God has been using it to do amazing things in my life.  However, my desire for my husband is still strong.  I had been doing so well in my walk until a few days ago, including this particular day.  I knew I'd hit a bump in the road eventually, it was only a matter of time.  And on this day, as I walked along the road with shoulders slumped and a heavy weight on my heart, I felt alone.

Many of my christian friends have said that God needs to be enough for us, He is the only one who can provide exactly what we need.  I've even preached it myself a few times.  And now I needed to know that this was the truth.  And so I prayed:

"God, you've said that you are enough for me, you are the portion I need.  Please show me right now that you are just that, please reveal to me your presence and love.  I need to know that you are enough.  I need you."

I pleaded and I hoped.  I waited for God to come through on His word.  I kept walking in silence, and with each step I felt hope begin to stir inside me.  Slowly, God began to show me all the ways He had come through for me, how He showed He knows me better than I know myself.  And I once again heard His whispered promise that I would have a marriage and family and that it would be worth the wait.  And even more than that, I felt His smile and the reassurance of His love for me.  And so I said, "God, I trust you.  I don't know how everything works out, and you and I both know that I don't know what's best for me.  So I trust you and have faith that you will come through on your promises for me."  And I knew in that moment that He loved me, and was proud of me for the faith I was showing in Him.  He won't forget me, I know it full well.  Once again He came through, He showed up to help His dear princess.  My loneliness melted away and I felt that peace and confidence taking it's place once more.  I know that in His timing He will bring me the desire of my heart which He has placed there.  And even then I know that He is enough, and He always will be!

You Are Beautiful

The other day was absolutely lovely.  The sky was a clear blue, there was a slight breeze, and the sun was shining brightly.  It was so beautiful, in fact, that when I had my break at work I just had to go out and be a part of it!  So I took a walk and put my mind on God's beauty and, as it would turn out, that was the topic He wanted me to meditate on.

God has been teaching me a lot about beauty lately.  I've been making it a point to slow down during the day and take in the goodness of the nature He's created, and I absolutely love sitting at the piano and putting a series of chords together and hearing the beautiful music that resonates throughout the house.  But the best kind of beauty I've found is the one that He's shown me in myself!  For a girl who could never wrap her mind around the word "beautiful" as belonging to her, this is a big step.  At first I thought it was a mistake, but when we're talking about God we quickly learn that He's the only one that doesn't make mistakes.  And in the past two months He's blessed me with a peace and confidence in my beauty that now I can't describe myself any other way.  Sure, I'm not perfect, but I know I'm His work of art that is His to perfect, not mine.  I've found that my striving to be perfect doesn't get me anywhere, but when I've surrendered all of myself to Him I've realized that He does the work that I alone can't do.  God is the beautiful creator and perfector, the most amazing artist of them all!

So as I was walking in a place of peace and confidence in my beauty surrounded by nature's beauty, the question came upon me, "Why is it so hard for people to realize their beauty?".  Then I thought of the world, and how our American society defines beauty.  And the sad thing I've found is that through their provocative magazine covers, perfect air brushed and fixed up movie stars and models, tips and tricks for the perfect hair and make up, and an endless stream of workout exercises to try, that the world has confused the definition of beauty and made it synonymous with "sexy".  This is such a sad mistake, that we describe ourselves as women as "hot" and "sexy" rather than "beautiful", and the former is more desirable of an effect than the latter.  These words do not share the same meaning!  When we describe a woman as "hot" and "sexy" what we're really saying is that they look like an object that's desirable for sex.  Let me reiterate, the words "hot" and "sexy" are really saying that we're an object that's desirable for sex.  That's it.  Why are we letting these words describe how a PERSON looks and confusing it with who they are?  Because they don't describe the person at all!  Instead they change the person into an object!!  How horrifying!  And the make up, clothing, and shoes that add to this effect are simply accessories that work to make the object more desirable.

The fascinating thing is that today many women (including myself) struggle with comparison of looks, and many of them reach the same sad conclusion... they aren't good enough.  How many of us have said that about ourselves?  And what we're really saying, what we've been made to believe, is that God messed up.  That you aren't a piece of His breathtaking artwork.  Now before you jump to blaming yourself realize that we've all been under attack by the same Enemy who has been patiently working throughout the years both in us and our society to get us here.  It's not your fault, but it is a battle that you have to face with God.  And it CAN be won, and I know this because I'm standing here today in a place of victory!  I'm at the top of this mountain with God and I work daily to defend my ground against the one who tries to creep up and take back the ground that he lost.  But God has prepared me, and He won't let me lose this battle!  And if you ask Him, He can do the same for you.  You know why?  Because you really are worth it!!

The thing that's interesting about real beauty is that it needs no comparison.  When I see a woman dressed provocatively I notice her body and how her clothing accentuates it, her hair, her perfect make up and shoes, and I sadly think, "I don't look anything like that."  I compare.  But when I see a woman going about her daily business wearing something that reflects who she is, and she walks with a peace and confidence that shows she will not be seen as an object, I find myself thinking, "She's beautiful".  And you know what?  I don't compare myself, I just appreciate the beauty.  Beauty needs no comparison, because there's no such thing as too much beauty!  When I go out shopping with women I care about and they try on something and it just looks ok I tell them, "That ____ doesn't really show off your beauty.  You're too beautiful for that."  You may read this and go, "Jenn, how can your friends take you seriously when you say that?  It doesn't sound like you're being sincere."  I am being sincere though, and while my friends at first laughed at me, they've realized that what I'm saying is true and that I value their beauty, I value the person they are.  It's not the clothing or accessory that make the person, it's the person that showcases the clothing or accessory.

What's amazing, too, is that beauty also transcends time.  It's not limited to your peak physically, a woman who is truly beautiful will shine through her 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s, every day until she comes to rest with the Lord!  One of my favorite things is seeing an older couple with wrinkles and gray hair walking hand in hand together, with big smiles on their faces and a look between them that radiates their love.  And I find that absolutely stunning!  My grandma, who is in her 70s and battling ALS is truly beautiful!  And it's not because of the clothes she wears, it's her smile, her joyful eyes, and her loving nature that show that she's lived a great life filled with so much love, laughter, and adventure.  She is someone who, for as long as I've known her, has been comfortable and happy in who she is!  She hasn't tried to be someone she's not.  My mother, her daughter, is another shining example of beauty, and it comes from confidence and happiness in her life and who she is.  She doesn't compare herself to others, she just lives the life she loves without feeling pressure to conform to society or a need to perfect herself.

As women, let's stop describing others as "hot" and "sexy" (even when being sarcastic with friends), and start helping each woman around us discover the beauty of God and the beauty in themselves.  Let's stand up and fight for them when they are too tired to fight, and let's lift them up at every opportunity and encourage them to be who they are!  And if no one else will say it, I will, "You're beautiful!"  I may not know who you are, but I've seen beauty in every woman I've met and I know my God who makes no mistakes, and that's enough for me to know that you are in fact incredible beautiful!

God says:
1. "Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes.  Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 1 Peter 3:3-4

2. "You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you." Song of Solomon 4:7 (Absolutely love this!  No doubt God believes we're beautiful!)

And so I will thank my God and say, "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14

Ask God today to show you your beauty!  He would love nothing more than to give His beloved daughter exactly that!

Love Like It's Goodbye

How often do you appreciate those around you?  How often do you drink in every moment you have with them?  How thankful are you for every day, hour, moment you have with family, friends, co-workers, significant others?  I know I'm guilty of it, both with the people I see every day to the people I only have the privilege to see every so often.

With my grandmother's gradually progressing ALS, it's weighed on me every time I see her that it might be the last.  Maybe this is the last chance I have to spend time with her.  Maybe this is the last time I get to tell her how much I love her.  My love for her has new urgency like it's never have before.  I don't view my mom that way, but life doesn't always work so that we leave in the same order we arrived.  My mom could die tomorrow in a car accident and my grandmother would still be alive.  And then how foolish would I feel.  If my mom, or dad, or one of my siblings, my closest friends, one of the children I work with, died tomorrow I would be a wreck.  The regret would would devastate me.  And I'd be left with nothing but memories and wishes that I had taken advantage of the time I was given with them. 

Throughout the past month I've been discovering God in ways I hadn't realized previously, and tonight He laid this idea on my heart.  Ok, laid isn't the right word.  He dropped this idea on my heart like a huge elephant being dropped off of the high dive.  This is what Jesus' love was all about!  He didn't go healing each person thinking, "Ok, once I heal this guy I'm going to go preach about this idea, and I can't forget to catch up with my disciples to teach them about it because they never seem to understand my teachings.  And once I do all that I'll finally get away and get some peace and quiet."  He didn't treat people like they were a roadblock in his way throughout his day.  He loved them by drinking in every moment and enjoying the time he had with them!  He didn't die on the cross just so he could finish this earth business and go back to being in heaven with the Father.  He did it because he believed we were worth dying for!  

If we look at some passages in scripture we see that the people Jesus praised the most were those that just drank in every moment enjoying him:

"While Jesus was in Bethany in the home of Simon the Leper, a woman came to him with an alabaster jar of very expensive perfume, which she poured on his head as he was reclining at the table.  When the disciples saw this, they were indignant.  'Why this waste?' they asked.  'This perfume could have been sold at a high price and the money given to the poor.'  Aware of this, Jesus said to them, 'Why are you bothering this woman?  She has done a beautiful thing to me.  The poor you will always have with you, but you will not always have me.  When she poured this perfume on my body, she did it to prepare me for burial.  Truly I tell you, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her.'" -Matthew 26:6-13

"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him.  She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said.  But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made.  She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work myself?  Tell her to help me!'  'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed- or indeed only one.  Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.'" -Luke 10:38-42

Both of these stories share a common idea.  Both Mary and the woman with the perfume are focusing their attention on the person they love, Jesus.  The woman with the perfume has even understood that these are the last moments she will get to spend with the Lord in person!  Yes, these stories show how we should love Jesus and make him our life, but I think there's another message here.  Jesus was the example, and his main commandments were to love God with all our heart, mind, body, and spirit, and to love our neighbor as ourselves.  When it comes to being loved by others, do you want people to give half their attention to you when they're with you?  Do you want them to get through their time with you as efficiently as possible so they can do whatever they have to do next?  Or just skip over you entirely?  Or do you want people to appreciate and enjoy every moment they have with you?  Do you want them to make loving you their sole priority?  Do you want to be a priority to them?  Do you want them to love you like you were on your death bed every time they saw you?  After you've thought about this, consider how you treat others around you.  Do you love them and appreciate them like it was your last day with them?  I'm as guilty as anyone else.

I think what God has been showing me is that this is what it means to love like Christ.  No day is a guarantee for you or anyone you know and love.  It's also not a guarantee for any strangers you might meet along the way.  When Christ was walking on the earth he knew when his last day was, but even that didn't stop him from loving and serving others as if it was.  And think about this, when Jesus was dying on the cross there were several women who stayed the entire time, drinking in every last moment.  Jesus challenges us to drink in every moment we have with people, no matter how close they are to us.  Make every person who crosses our path feel comforted knowing that they were worth our time.  

May God help us to approach each day with these two goals of focus: 1) To appreciate and enjoy every moment God has given you on this earth in His creation and the relationship He wants with you through, and 2) To love, appreciate, and enjoy every moment spent with the people He's put in your life.  Let's stop the rushing in our lives to realize what we're missing.  Slow down.

Love without regrets.  Love everyone like you were saying goodbye.

Follow Me

All around me is darkness, and a cold and bitter wind bites at me.  Within me I can't shake the feeling like something is terribly wrong, and I can't take another step.  How did I get here?  What happened?  I had felt so confident before.  The path looked steady and my feet felt sure.  But with each step forward I took the light began to fade until all that is around me is darkness.  I feel trapped, I need to get out, but I don't know what to do.  I can't move forward anymore!  Let me get a better look at where I came from, let me turn around.

To my surprise there's a man there, with a hole in each hand and a crown of thorns.  His smile takes my fear away and warmth floods within me.
"Who are you?" I ask, although a part of me feels like I know the answer.
"I am the one He gave so that you may have eternal life, and I have come to save you," the man says. "How did you find me?" I ask, bewildered.
"I have been following you all this time, but you were only looking ahead so you could not see me.  I knew your path would get difficult and that someday you would turn around."  A peace fills my heart, but I need one more question answered.
"Why do you care so much to save me?  All I've done is made mistakes?" The darkness begins to flood in again as I feel completely unworthy of such an offer.  I made a mistake, I deserve to pay for it.
"Because my Father created you!  He knows every hair on your head, every word you've ever spoken, and everything you've yet to do.  Even now He knows you're at an impasse.  He loves you so much that He sent me to die on a cross so you can have everlasting life.  You have done nothing to deserve this gift, but it is one freely given by one who loves you so unconditionally.  And He sent me to follow and watch over you.  And now, if you so choose, I can save you and guide you to the life and purpose He has made you for.  Will you choose to follow me?  Or will you take another step into the darkness?"  He speaks so kindly and his eyes glisten with care and concern.  His smile and his words tell me I can trust him, but I know he won't force me either.  He wants me to do this of my own free will.  He wants my love and trust.  But can I give it?  The road before me looks so bleak, and I'm tired of trying to control where my feet go.  And if God created me and loves me enough to send this man standing before me to die for me so that I may be clean and have a new life, then what do I have to lose?

I fall to my knees as the tears overcome their barriers and stream down my cheeks.  I have a second chance, one I don't deserve, and the amount of love I've been shown is more than I can bear.
"I choose to follow you," I sob, "I choose to let you save me and lead me.  I give up controlling where I go, I want what you want for me.  I surrender everything to you."  I continue to cry but a warm hand rests gently on my shoulder.  I look up to see the brightest, most tender and beautiful smile I have seen this man give yet.
"I have waited so patiently for you to say those words, and myself and my Father in heaven along with all His angels are celebrating.  If you listen closely you can hear them singing and rejoicing, praising my Father that He saves the lost sheep.  Because you have surrendered to me and believe that I have come to save you I now wash you clean with my blood, and your mistakes are forgiven.  Remember this place that you are in right now, for you'll need it to help others who are also lost in the darkness, but know that the darkness no longer has a hold on you.  You are mine, and I love you.  Now stand up and follow me."

The man envelopes me in the warmest hug I've ever known, and the darkness that threatened to creep into me is blasted away.  I'm not alone, and I'm not my own.  The darkness can no longer hold me.  And as my feet follow the man before me I look over his shoulder and see light.  I don't know where we're going, but I trust Jesus to lead me.  And for a moment he looks over his should and smiles at me before telling me, "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and give you a future.  You are safe with me."

Know God. Know You. Know Love!

I've written about my battle with anxiety for a long time, and it has been working to deteriorate my belief and understanding in who I am.  Even worse, I struggled to identify who God was.  When you don't know these two things, you are pretty lost.

Through my emotional roller-coaster of the last year I came to see myself as a failure.  I had failed to be the amazing teacher I thought I would be and felt as though I had completely failed my students.  My fiance and I struggled with physical boundaries and every time we messed up I felt like a failure again.  Every time my anxiety acted up I felt like I was a failure because I couldn't think positively and keep it under control.  Satan had made me a captive of failure.  And because of it, I felt like I wasn't good enough for God or good enough for others.  I even felt like a failure because I didn't have confidence in or know who I was anymore.

Thankfully our God won't stand for this, and He wants us to know who He is and know the love that He provides.  It's sometimes difficult to understand God when you see Him in the old and new testaments.  As several friends pointed out to me, the God of the old testament died when Jesus died on the cross and rose again.  The God of the new testament is where we must look to understand Him.  A mentor of mine showed me a very familiar verse that goes, "Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV)."  God is also love, so if you replace the word "love" with "God", all of a sudden you can begin to see who He is.  Sometimes we see this verse as how we should love others, and don't get me wrong, it's a great guideline.  The problem is, this is perfect, unconditional love that we can't do by ourselves.  We need God to help us love.    Suddenly I began to really see God as a kind God, one who doesn't seek to punish me and put me in hell, but one who seeks to love me!

God also showed me some mistaken views that I'd had of Him through the help of my friends, scripture, and a vision.  In our educational system, we're taught that in order to show we can do something and be successful that we need to pick the one right answer out of several wrong answers.  Pick the right answer and you are successful, pick the wrong answer and you need to do better because you didn't meet expectations.  This line of thinking can be especially dangerous when considering big life decisions, such as who you will marry.  I had believed that God wanted me to make all the right choices to complete the life that He had planned for me.  When facing the decision of whether or not to marry my fiance this made me extremely anxious.  I feared making the wrong decision and ending up in what I falsely believed was a huge failure, divorce.  Fortunately I have some awesome friends who know more than me who helped to show me that God has presented an option to me, one that He will bless me both if I take it or if I decide not to take it.  Marriage is the process of two imperfect people learning to love each other unconditionally.  I now know that both choices are right and line up with the purpose that He has for me.  This was confirmed by a vision God showed me of a big tree.  It had a big trunk and many branches that stemmed from it, and they all went straight up.  Some branches had smaller branches that emerged from it and they too pointed upward.  God showed me that each break in the branches represented choices that God would allow me to make, and whatever I chose I would still be with Him in heaven because I'm seeking Christ and desire to love and serve Him, so therefore I keep climbing upward.  There will always be both good and bad consequences with any choice, but as long as we seek God He will bless our decisions.  I have a few friends who are single mothers.  Each made a choice to have sex before marriage with people they weren't going to marry in a lower point in their lives.  But God loves His daughters very much, and He blessed each of them with beautiful and wonderful children who are joys to their lives and, in many ways, saved them from the road they were going down to seek a better journey with Christ!  Even more amazingly, He's blessed each of them with God-loving, strong men in their lives who love their children and want to spend their lives serving God with them!  How amazing God is!  This gives me confidence that no matter what happens, my life will be good because of God!

God also showed me how He sees me.  I was nervous at first because I felt I wasn't measuring up to what He wanted me to do or be.  But He answered me in such an amazing way!  He said I was His masterpiece, His daughter, His princess.  That I'm beautiful and captivating, a strong warrior fighting for His Kingdom.  He sees me as wonderful, and He loves me so much!  He showed me that I'm not a failure because I have Christ, who was not a failure.  He conquered the grave and washed me clean with his blood.  Because Jesus is a success, I am a success.  And God is still working on me, an already beautiful piece of art that is getting more beautiful with each brush stroke.  He knows the desires He's put in my heart and knows what makes me happy.  It's hard not to feel loved when you hear that!  God took me back to the early months of my relationship with my fiance and showed me how much love I felt from him when I felt like Jesus was showing his love to me through my man.  It was such strong and believable love, nothing I had ever felt before!  Then God took me to the recent past and had me compare how I felt.  I would have a difficult time receiving my fiance's love and had a hard time believing what he said about me.  I also realized that I wasn't seeing Jesus' love shining through because I didn't know God's love for me.  Satan had put me behind bars and made me believe I wasn't worth loving, that I would just hurt people.  When I agreed with him it was so difficult to accept the love I was being shown.  Now God is setting me free and I can see clearly now.  The truth will indeed set you free and I look forward now, more than ever, to what God has for me!  


How important it is to know and understand who God is, understand how God sees you (He's better than any mirror), and understand the love He has for you and why He wants you to share it with others.  So ask God today to show you who He is and who you are in Him, and get ready to feel the amazing love He has for you!

Avoiding Idols

If you've ever read scripture that talks about idols, you probably think of golden statues of various forms that the Israelites would sometimes pray to.  You may also have noticed scripture's many warnings about avoiding idols.  To us it may seem pretty simple, pray to God and not to statues.  However, like many things in our modern world, idols can be sneaky and confusing.

An idol is anything that we spend most of our time focused on and what we turn to the most that we place as a higher importance than God.  They can creep up on you, and can start as a blessing that we push to a higher status.

Recently my fiancee pointed out to me that I had made him an idol in my life and had put him on this pedestal.  At first it seemed crazy but, when I really thought about it, I knew he was right.  My fiancee is the answer to one of my heart's greatest desires, and he's something that I've always wanted- someone to love who loves me in return.  Sometimes I take the blessing of his love too far and, instead of turning to God for His joy, love, and strength, I'll turn to my fiancee for those things.  I also know he's become an idol in my life when I hold him to an unrealistically high standard and want to control him to make him the man I want him to be.  Thankfully this usually backfires on me.  These are all signs that I've made him my idol.  Thankfully, God is very merciful and convicts me of it without taking my fiancee from me and giving me the opportunity to try again and do better.

My fiancee is just one example of something I sometimes put higher than God.  For some people it's sports, or friends, or money (ALERT: big one mentioned in the Bible.  You can't serve God and money), or control, or a job, etc.  Anything in this world can become an idol if we focus on it so much that it comes above our God.  As the hymn goes, "On Christ the solid rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand".  Putting anything above God will cause you to stand on sinking sand.  Thankfully God is merciful and will give us another chance to do better!  Monitor yourself and where you spend most of your time in thought and action, and you'll have a much better chance of supporting yourself on the rock that is Christ.

May God always be with you!

Steps of Faith

When I first became a Christian at 22 years old, I believed that my transformation would be a big immediate one.  When this didn't happen, I began to wrestle with my faith.  Was God there?  Didn't He want something more for me?  Do I have the Spirit I was promised?  I can honestly say that it added to some of my anxiety.  I wanted a change for the better, and I wanted it now.  Someone recently told me, "The root of anxiety is perfection".  It's so true for me, most of my anxiety stems from my desire to be perfect.  I want to be the perfect Christian, perfect worker, perfect wife, perfect person.  I've put so much unnecessary pressure on myself in my desire to get closer to "perfect".  So when my anxiety started to get persistent and difficult to deal with I wanted to get fixed fast.  I looked for whatever I had to do to get rid of it, to get my personality closer to perfect.  I tried prayers, books, fasting, diet change, etc.  Nothing would get rid of it.

During my fast with my fiancee a few weeks ago, my amazing man said something to me that stuck, "You have to step out with faith, you need to take the leap and trust God."  I had to trust that everything would be ok and that God had me.  It worked really well for about a week, and then I began to falter when fighting symptoms of anxiety.  God then showed me that stepping out in faith isn't a one time fix, I have to make the choice daily to walk in faith and trust God above all else.  I have to give Him my worries and then be still, knowing that He is God (Psalm 46:10).

This also means letting go of my desire for perfection.  Only one person is perfect, Jesus.  I can become more Christ-like by walking in faith, but I will never become Christ.  2 Corinthians 12:9-10 says, "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.'  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong."  Christ covers my weaknesses and imperfections in His strengths.  I should delight in being imperfect because it shines Christ's power.  Everyday I need to let go of my desire to be as perfect as I can be, and focus on Christ and His amazing perfection which covers my weaknesses.

So be still, don't strive, and let Christ cover your weaknesses and gain your strength through Him.  He is God, and He knows what He's doing!

Thanking the Little Things

How often do you thank God?  Do you thank Him for the big things in your life or do you thank Him for all the little things?  How thankful is your heart?  It's really easy to thank God when something big happens; you get the job you wanted, are brought together with the love of your life, find a church that you really like, get a new car.  It's right that we should be thankful for these things, they show us and others how great God's love is!  But what about on those ho-hum days where its business as usual and nothing exciting happens.  Or worse, on those days where it's hard to find something that will go your way and you find yourself very annoyed or upset.  We may not think to thank God on days like that because those are the days when we don't really appreciate what we have.  Sure, we can say that we appreciate it, but our attitude and our thoughts will give us away.  You're thankful that you have a job in an economy like this, but you don't enjoy going and look forward to punching out and heading home.  That's not a sign of a truly thankful heart.  And I, like you, can be guilty of this myself.

Why is it important to be thankful on those days when we don't truly appreciate what we have?  God blesses us everyday, even on the days that we don't feel like He's blessing us.  He wants to know that we appreciate Him and appreciate the work that He's doing within us.  Also, the best way to have a truly joyful heart is to love with all your heart and to be thankful for everything that God is doing in your life.  1 Thessalonians 5:18 says, "Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus (NIV)."  It is God's will for us to be thankful in all circumstances.  Psalm 107:1 even says, "Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his love endures forever (NIV)."  These are just two verses out of many that talk of thanking God, having a thankful heart, and thanking Him in ALL circumstances.  And notice how in these verses it doesn't say, "Give thanks when God does something really awesome", or "Give thanks when you feel really happy and things are good".  It says to give thanks all the time for everything.  Right now my grandma is battling ALS, a horrible, gradually debilitating battle that we know she will eventually lose in a few years barring Godly intervention.  It would be really easy for me to get angry at God and say that He's not a good God because He's doing this to someone who doesn't deserve it.  I could feel like there's nothing to be thankful for.  But that's not how I feel, not at all.  I'm thankful that I've had 25+ years with my grandma when some people don't even get to meet theirs.  I'm thankful that she's lived a very full life, full of love from family, friends, and a loyal husband of 50+ years.  I'm thankful that she still has full use of all of her limbs and can go out golfing for at least one more season.  I'm thankful that I'll get to have her at my wedding, or that she'll at least be able to see me try on wedding dresses.  And I'm thankful that she and my mom have time to heal past wounds and build a stronger relationship than they've ever had.  And it's because of this point of view and this thankfulness that I'm actually filled with joy.  When she passes away I know that she'll have few regrets, as will I.

So how do we practice thankfulness in everyday life?  First, we need to be in prayer and communication with God.  And we don't have to wait till the end of the day to thank Him for something.  If something good happens to me I'll thank Him right then and there privately.  I also keep a blessings journal to remind me to think about my blessings from the one who loves me the most.  Somedays I can only get three things: I'm still alive, I have Jesus, I worked.  Somedays it's a lot more.  Everyone can find at least one blessing from their day, it just takes thinking about it and sometimes considering a different point of view.  We can also thank the people in our lives for things on a daily basis.  Whenever someone, friend/family/fiancee/stranger, does something nice for me or helps me I thank them genuinely.  Sometimes I'll even write letters to let people know how much I appreciate them.  

What will you thank God for today?  How's your perspective on your daily blessings?  God has blessed us all, we just need to recognize our blessings! 

Love Yourself

If you've ever struggled with low self esteem, a big failure, anxiety, or depression (or anything related), you know how difficult it can be to see yourself in a good light.  You spend a lot of time blaming yourself and putting yourself down with thoughts like, "Why would anyone ever love me?" "I'm too much this or that", "I don't have anything to offer".  And many times, if you're struggling with self ruminating thoughts and putting yourself down, personal hygiene and upkeep takes a dive.  You can quickly slip into this dark hole that becomes very difficult to get out of.  And some Christian views don't help either.  Some of us are told that God is greater than us, that we shouldn't love ourselves because God comes first and foremost, etc.  This can be a very damaging message to many people.

This past weekend I was once again struggling with my anxiety, and it was pulling me fast into the hole mentioned above.  And, if I'm honest, I didn't really put up much of a fight.  And it was making it difficult for me to love or appreciate anyone around me, especially my fiancee.  Then God put lyrics into my heart from a musical I enjoy.  A man, still hurt from his break-up with his ex, tells her, "You'll never share your love until you love yourself".  This was confirmed by what I read in a book titled Waking the Dead by John Eldredge that explained that loving yourself and appreciating everything that God put into you and living from your whole heart actually brings glory to God.

Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 6:19-20, "Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?  You are not your own.  You were bought at a price.  Therefore honor God with your bodies (NIV)".  Paul is speaking of sexual immorality here but I have to believe there is more to it than just that.  He says our bodies are temples, and we must honor God with them.  Is it honoring to God to sit on my but all day and indulge in everything unhealthy to ruin the body that He gave me?  Is it honoring to sit around and nit pick every negative detail of my so there is no sense of beauty to me whatsoever?  I have to think that the answer is no.  I'm not my own, I was bought with a price, so I need to take care of myself.  Proverbs 4:23 speaks of the importance of the heart of a person, saying, "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it (NIV)".  If my heart is empty of love for myself, how can it hold love for others?  And if my heart is empty, haven't I failed to protect it?  It sure is hard to do anything when your heart feels empty or sad.  We need to love ourselves, specifically, we need to love the person we are with Jesus.  Don't love the old self for it must die and it is worth nothing without Christ.  But the self who seeks to serve the Kingdom and holds the Holy Spirit within them, the self that loves and appreciates everything that God has blessed them with (body, soul, spirit, gifts, talents, interests, etc.), that self must be loved in order to love God and others.

With this new message in mind yesterday, I took the time to sit down and start playing the piano and singing again.  It's been a while because, with my anxiety, there's not a whole lot I feel motivated to do.  If only I could describe how my spirit came alive, the joy that filled me that had been missing, and the intense love for God I felt I would.  I felt like a whole new person as I taught myself a new song on the piano and sang, utilizing the talents and interests that God gave to me!  And then today God charged me with taking better care of my body, motivating me to make better choices in what I eat and creating an exercise plan for myself.  I realized how important it is to take care of my body for Christ.  I need a spirit of humble joy and love for myself in order for me to fully walk with Christ and love the people around me.

If you find yourself slipping into a dark and hateful hole I pray that God grabs hold of your hand and starts telling you how to love yourself.  Take some time to indulge in a talent or gift that God has given to you, make better choices for your body, do something that brings your heart true joy!  Loving ourselves in Christ and living out the full glory God intended for us is one of the greatest ways we can worship Him and show thanksgiving!  Love yourself, because believe me, you're someone worth loving!

Love is Hard

What do you think about when you hear the word love?  Do you think of fairy tale endings, romance, affection?  Or do you think about families together, mothers and their children, fathers wrestling with the young ones?  What about friends talking and laughing together?  Do you think of smiles, laughter, a warm contentment in your heart, a feeling of belonging?  Love certainly has all these aspects to it.  But how many of us think of arguments, looking into the eyes of someone you care about after they hurt you, commitment through really tough times, telling someone about what you did to them and apologizing?

When we consider love we tend to think about all the positive aspects of it, but often forget that it comes with pain.  How many of you have heard the saying of, "If it's meant to be it will be easy".  This is such a lie told to us by the world.  Even Christians can be guilty of believing that if we love God everything will be easy, including love.  What we often forget is that there are two types of love for everyone that we can love: conditional and unconditional love.  Conditional Love is when we seek the positive feelings for ourselves, when we love someone because they show love to us.  It's easy to love my fiancee when he's serenading me with one of my favorite songs!  He did something for me and I feel great.  However, when he hasn't called me in two days my earthly self often says, "I'm not going to give him anything until he shows me love."  How many times do we find ourselves doing that?  Think about your relationship with your parents when they're annoying you, your best friend when you feel they've wronged you, or when the person you love hurts you.  Many of our earthly ideas of love center around the idea of conditional love.

God asks us to go a step higher and follow His model through Christ of Unconditional Love.  What is unconditional love?  Just read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7, "Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (NIV, emphasis added)."  I don't know about you, but the first time I read this I thought, "I'd love to be loved like this!  This is how God loves me."  It's true, this is how God loves us, but if you're like me you'll notice how the desire was on being loved that way.  Here's a challenge, try reading these verses when you're angry at someone you care about.  Can you love them that way?  Again, if you're anything like me you're probably thinking what I'm thinking, "Love is hard".   And guess what, this is how God wants us to love not only Him, but everyone He's entrusted to us, even complete strangers!  Consider this, if you're realizing that love is hard remember that God loves all of us like this, no matter what we've done!  Talk about hard! My fiancee is pretty good at most of this with me, it's truly amazing sometimes.  He loves me like Christ and that's one of the greatest things I adore about him.  But I also get a little jealous sometimes, wishing I could love him just like he loves me.  God has shown me to trust Him and He will teach me.

Are you thinking, "God, how am I going to do this?  You're asking too much of me!"?  I know I have!  However remember this, if you have declared your life to Jesus then you are a work in progress.  I repeat, you are a work in progress.  God doesn't expect you to be able to do this right away.  He knows we have to practice it, which is why He's going to give you plenty of opportunities!  Just the other day I was upset with my fiancee.  I was firmly holding my ground and saying that I wouldn't budge until he showed love to me.  Self-seeking, conditional love.  But God wouldn't let me get my way and instead instructed me, "Go over to him and kiss him right now".  I resisted for a moment but God knew I had to learn a lesson and wouldn't let me off the hook.  So I obeyed.  I went up to my fiancee and gave him a loving kiss.  And you know what was crazy, I felt my anger melt away and what replaced it was feelings of love toward him.

So how do we practice unconditional love?  Here are a few of the things that God has shown me (and I still have a lot of practice to go so this is as much for me as it is for you):

1. Find out what makes someone you care about feel loved and do it, especially when you're upset or disappointed in them.  Do this for your mom, your best friend, your brother, your grandpa, your person.
2. When someone you care about isn't showing you much attention, instead of holding out on them meet them.  Sometimes it can be a text or phone call saying you miss them or are wondering how they're doing.
3. When you're upset with someone you care about consider yourself before judging them.  I sometimes get on my fiancee for being prideful, but recognizing that I can struggle with that too helps me to remember let go of small things.
4. If someone you care about is a Christ follower but is sinning try separating the sin from the person.  This is what Paul encourages us to do because the two ARE separate.
5. Pray for people you care about when you're mad at them. Ask God to be with them and bless them, and ask Him to help you see that person the way God sees them.
6. Remember, love is an action.  If you aren't feeling loved, step up and do something thoughtful for someone else.  It's an even better feeling to make someone else feel loved! 
7. Recognize the things people do for you that they consider love and appreciate it.  Also, don't be afraid to suggest things that will make you feel good.  Love is best when it's a two way street.
8. When you're upset with someone, think about all their good characteristics and your favorite memories with them.  Don't let the negative thoughts win out over the positive ones.
9. If someone you care about truly did something to hurt you, tell them about it.  Avoid blame and explain how it felt to you, without bringing up past incidences.  Then, no matter if they apologize or not, forgive them and let it go.

One of my friends a few years ago said something really thought provoking.  He said that if his wife ever cheated on him that he'd stay with her.  This is something that he'd have biblical grounds to divorce her, Jesus even said it would be okay.  But he said he'd stay, explaining that he'd done so much to wrong God and yet God still forgave him and walked with him, so he would do that for his wife as well.  Wow!  That is unconditional love!

Love is hard, and love is work.  Love is an action, not a feeling.  Unconditional love asks us to love someone no matter how much they hurt us.  And love is not just for romantic relationships.  If you want to improve the way you love unconditionally, ask God to reveal someone in your life who needs love, someone who will challenge you to love.  If you constantly argue with your mother then God might ask you to start there.  Or if there's a friend you find yourself upset with often, begin there.  Has your significant other been driving you crazy lately?  You may want to begin there and start showing love and forgiving them what they've done wrong.  Then recognize that you can't do this out of your own strength, just look to the world for proof of that.  Ask God to help you and guide you, ask the spirit for strength and discernment, patience and kindness. This is a challenge for me and you.  Love is hard, but love is also very necessary.  As Paul earlier writes in 1 Corinthians 13:3, "If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing (NIV, emphasis included)."  Unconditional love is so necessary that we even need to be prepared for spiritual attack against ourselves and our relationships that we must fight, for it is greatly opposed by our enemy.  

My God be with you and help you to love those He's entrusted to you with unconditional love.  May His angels protect you, and may the Spirit bless you with wisdom, patience, strength, and kindness.  Love is hard, but there's a God for that!

Overcoming Shame

One of the more dangerous thoughts that Christians promote is this idea that we are terrible, ugly people who should not be proud of or enjoy ourselves because compared to God we are nothing.  Certainly God is glorious and is more intelligent, creative, forgiving, compassionate, and loving than any of us humans.  However we need to be careful of the trap of putting ourselves so low and shaming ourselves in comparison so much that it actually harms us.

When we sin, many of us probably think "I shouldn't have done that", "How come I can't get this right?", "What's wrong with me?", "How can God love me".  We'll turn to God and confess our sin and ask for his forgiveness, but how many of us actually forgive ourselves?  God has already taken mercy on us but we can't have mercy on ourselves.  It is right that we should feel ashamed when we sin, otherwise we wouldn't seek repentance.  However, if we dwell on the shame and allow the devil to use it to speak lies into our hearts telling us that we are dirty and unworthy, we get sucked into a dark trap.

For many months now I've struggled with anxiety.  When it strikes it attacks me from the inside.  When I'm anxious I have a very difficult time pushing irrational shame away.  I've believed that I did something to deserve the anxiety, that God doesn't care about me enough to rescue me from the pain, that other people shouldn't be around me because I could bring them down, that I'm too needy and weak.  And even the smallest sin would make it worse.  I'd confess it to God but I couldn't let go of it, couldn't forgive myself because I thought I deserved more punishment.  Pretty soon I'd have no self-esteem and couldn't see anything in me worthy looking at and loving both from those I care about and from God.  Jesus has been trying to show me this week that all these things that I've believed are lies that the enemy used to try to kill my heart.  He knows that my body will mess up, that's why He sent His son to die for me on the cross.  But He also knows that my heart is good because I love His son.  He's shown me that He knows my pain and that it isn't because of something I did, but by things that happened to me.  He also knows how much I need people to support me which is why He sent me the strongest and most patient people.  Finally, He's teaching me that I've been too hard on myself.  Where God has told my heart that it's good I've turned around and told it that it's bad.  I need to trust His forgiveness and let go of the shame after repentance.  I need to be confident in my heart and my God.

People can sometimes confuse confidence for pride, and some christians don't think we should have either if we're following Christ.  The truth is, confidence founded in Jesus is very good and very important.  When we are confident in ourselves in Jesus we show the glory we were meant to have when God created Adam and Eve before the fall.  When this happens we can love confidently and share the gospel confidently.  Confidence says "Because of Christ/God I was able to do this", pride says "Because of my own work I was able to do this, and isn't it great!"  In 1 Corinthians 1:31 Paul writes, "Therefore, as it is written: 'Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord' (NIV)."  Be confident in the Lord and be confident in your relationship with Him.  Beware of shaming yourself and seeing yourself as less than God intended for you.  My goal these past few days has been to challenge every negative thought I have about myself and change it to better see how God sees me.  I challenge you to do the same!

Need Not Walk Alone

This week has been really tough on me, if I'm really honest about it.  After thinking my anxiety had been healed it returned stronger and uglier than ever before.  And for the first time I found myself losing hope, pushing away those who were happy because I didn't want to bring them down.  It wasn't until I was at a wedding calling my sister to pick me up that I realized and confessed to my fiancee, "I can't do this by myself anymore".

You see, from the beginning I've been trying to defeat my demon with my faith in God alone, trying to figure out what sin I needed to confess, what healing I had to ask for, revealing what I was doing wrong and needed to correct.  Has it drawn me closer to God?  In many ways, yes.  However, when the waves are too high and my enemy is too strong, it becomes difficult to see Jesus while I'm taking blows to my heart and spirit that disorient me.  I had been encouraged repeatedly to avoid medication, and I believed that taking medication would show that I was less of a Christian because I didn't fully trust my God to come through for me.

Strangely enough, God showed me the lives of some Christian women (and even some non-Christian men and women) whose lives and walks with God actually required and benefitted from medication.  Sometimes God needs to show us that while our spirits are saved through Jesus, our body is still of this world even as we attempt to make it a better temple for Him.  And since the body is worldly it can break down and require maintenance.  He has also equipped men and women to help heal His people through doctors and nurses, psychologists and counselors.  And when our damaged bodies stand in our way to a close and intimate relationship with Christ we require healing.  From where I stand now, I realize that I may be in a position where medication is required, and trust God that he will give my doctors wisdom to helping me fix my body so my soul can fully seek Him once more.  Jesus says in Matthew 9:12 "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick".

If you've been struggling with feelings of hopelessness, you've pushed people away so that you wouldn't bring them down, felt you don't deserve happiness or love, and have felt this way for some time, don't be ashamed to ask for help or consider medication.  Jesus wants to heal our mind, body, and spirit.  He wants all of you and he is angry that your joy has been stolen for you.  He wants a joyous heart for you and genuinely wants your happiness.  Don't be afraid to ask for help.  You shouldn't walk alone.  I'm so grateful for all the people in my life who have supported me, refused to let me push them out of their lives, and seriously and sincerely prayed for me.  And especially for my fiancee who has said that he is there for me no matter what.  You're not alone!

Stop Striving

As I was seeking God's help in fighting my anxiety God spoke something to me that was shocking and yet so freeing, "Stop striving."  A few days later the same message appeared during my Bible reading.  I came across Proverbs 10:22 which says, "The blessing of the Lord brings wealth, without painful toil for it. (NIV)"  This idea is very difficult for many of us to accept, that we don't need to work so hard to receive God's blessing.  For those growing up in America as I did, we were always surrounded by the idea that if you work hard and strive to do your best then you will achieve your goals, you will find wealth, you will find happiness.  The problem with this idea is that it negates God and His awesome power by having us take our future and well-being into our own hands.  If we are in control of our lives then how can God give us the best He has to offer us, and how can He use us as He wants for the betterment of His Kingdom if we don't let go?  Jesus even said in Luke 9:23-24, "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.  For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. (NIV)"  This means that we lay down our ideas of how our lives should go, of our earthly hopes and dreams, and we lay down our human strife in order for God to use us and guide us down the path He has for us, with the ultimate payoff being eternal life with Him in Heaven!  And the best part is that the work He has planned for us gives us peace of mind and heart, not stress and pain as many earthly jobs do.

So what does it look like when we stop striving?  Let me first paint a picture of what my life looked like before I laid down my strife.  After becoming a Christian I still felt that I needed to do something to prove myself to God.  I wanted Him to be proud of me just as I want my earthly parents to be proud of me.  I would try to fix my sins myself, would try to control relationships so that they were as perfect and Godly as possible, and take on more than I could handle.  The end result was a big mess.  I would get overwhelmed in my sins and anxiety would toss me around, I got into more fights with my friends and fiancee, and I was so busy and stressed that I couldn't appreciate what was around me.  In the few days since I've laid down my strife I've felt incredibly more peaceful and happy.  I'm trusting God to help me with my sins and seeking His help in my battles, I'm letting the people I care about be themselves and wait in joyful anticipation to see what God does with them and the relationships we share, and despite having my hours cut at work (and a cut in pay) I've been able to enjoy more time with God and people I care about.  This is how I want to continue living my life, following God and seeing where He guides me without striving to do the best I can.  And God has shown me the greatest truth in the greatest lie I believed; that He loves me and is proud of me no matter what and there's nothing I need to do but trust Him and love Him in return!

Let me be clear, this does not mean that you should just sit around at home and wait for God to do something or tell you something.  God doesn't work like a class where we have to sit and study and take notes.  There's no test to take, no A to gain!  God works through application, through our trial and error.  We need to get out so we can appreciate the world He created and build relationships with people He created.  You will see what God wants you to do, which paths to continue down, and which to turn from.  We need to get out to provide opportunities for God to work, and let Him do the rest.  If He wants something to happen for you or wants you to be somewhere or with someone then nothing can stop Him from making that happen... He's God!  If He closes some doors then we need to trust they are for a reason.  Trust God and lay down your striving!  There's nothing more you can do to please Him, He loves you so much already!